What's Happening, Yo?

Sometimes my phone is the best diary of my life. Herein case, an exhibit and commentary on the suburban life of a 20-something mom.

Tiny fingers make for most excellent hand holding.

DIY advent calendar, Christmas in full effect!

City sidewalks dressed in holiday style. (? I might have made those lyrics up)

Must. resist. biting. toes.

Sleep cuddles are my favorite.

I love his smile. It's gotta be worth millions... at least, a few million kisses.

Won't let go.

Shadow.

"Look mommy, Leah has tattoos just like you."

Getting crafty, well, as crafty as a type-A clean freak will get.

Socks on her hands... seems legit.

Boot weather!

Us on YHL. Famous... for like a second.

Word, J. Adler.

Stinker... Literally, he kind of stunk. I gave him a bath.

TIMBER

 They greet me at the door every single day with bright smiles and sticky fingers. One right after the other, tiny arms grab my legs and I sweep each of them up in my arms to kiss them gently on the cheek. Leah squeezes her legs tighter around my waist as Nolan slides down my side.

I blow a kiss to Brian who’s standing in the kitchen working on dinner and then race off to the bedroom with the children right behind me. They explode with giggles as we crash on top of my unmade bed. Nolan pulls himself on top of the yellow comforter and I grab Leah who’s anxious to join us.

I tickle each bare belly and they laugh and laugh and laugh. I watch the crinkle of their noses and the beautiful way the lamp light shines through their blonde hair. We take turns crashing into the covers and yelling “TIMBER!!!!” It’s so silly, yet so fun, well, for the four and under crowd.

I laid down for a second and sank deeper into the mattress with every bounce when a little hand grabbed me shirt and yanks it higher. Not long after I was met with a cold wet raspberry on my exposed stomach. I couldn’t help but laugh. A finger traced the now faint silver lines on my abdomen, forever imperfect marks left from pregnancy. Then again, a second wet raspberry higher other side from the other child. In an overdramatic show I wiggled around in the messy sheets and hugged my children tightly. And again the room filled with laughter.

My body isn’t perfect, but it made these two amazing people.

I am not perfect. I am not home enough, I lose my temper, I don’t cook or clean enough, and I can’t always be there to protect them. I am not always the mom I want to be. But to them, I am perfect. 

 

Ending

I dropped the kids off for their last day of preschool at Twin Oaks. The excitement in their voices as we walked inside was the same as it always was. We said hello to their teachers and I signed my initials next to each of their names on the roster. I didn’t look them in the eye for fear that the tears would come. I dropped their bags in their classrooms and glanced around at the tiny gray tables, multi-colored miniature chairs, and the folders with their names each carefully marked. We have really great memories here.

It’s hard being a working mom. It’s hard to leave every day for an office when someone else is caring for your children. You learn to trust them though, like family, with your most precious possessions. My kids thrived at their preschool. Leah learned to talk in sentences, Nolan writes his name and quotes bible verses. They LOVE their school. They love their teachers.

My heart breaks for my kids, but it also hurts for the staff at the school. It’s not their fault that the school is closing, and they have so much love for the children that I can’t imagine this being any easier on them. Pictures come in daily recounting the adventures of the kid’s day with the staff. The kids will miss them. I will miss them, too.

Through so much uncertainty, I’ve been confident that our family would weather the storm and come out in the end just fine. Most recently we rejoiced in Brian’s new job, and celebrated what we thought was a change in the tide that would be, for lack of a better word, easier. But this chapter of change and uneasiness wasn’t quite over and I would be lying if I said that my mind is totally at ease that we can shelve that chapter for good. I don’t know. I know our dear friends at preschool will be missed. We wish them well, and will always look back fondly on the memories we made here.

 Our past brought us to here, so we must be thankful for the hardship, the pain, the struggles we had. But I know that we’ll be just fine.

We’re all going to be just fine.

Seasons

 The air has cooled in that way Texas does all crisp-y and suddenly. Yesterday it was 86 and today it’s 56, but that’s just how seasons do in these parts, abruptly and pretty much without notice.

I took a walk yesterday with my boy and we kicked through the few yellowed maple leaves that had decorated the sidewalk. The temperatures actually started dropping yesterday, and I caught myself getting giddy about the summer season ending. I thought about how much of this past six months has been one giant season of life change for our little family and here we are at a literal change of seasons.

Seasons come and seasons go, and life keeps on going. And you know what? Normally, I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Usually I have an incredibly short attention span, ready to jump to the next thing and leave behind the old. I have grand dreams of picking up and moving somewhere new just because a place gets familiar, and I shun familiarity. I would crave change, not wanting to get too close or comfortable. Maybe I’m getting old, or maybe I’m finally growing up, but after the past six months, I’m ready for things to stay the same for a little while. Perhaps that season of life is over.

Brian and I both changed jobs multiple times, our kids changed schools, family was sick or in need, our financial situation changed, we found ourselves in and out of uncertainty, and we experienced pretty much every. single. emotion. (So many emotions!) We fought, every single day, together to make it through. We were tested. We were tempted. We struggled. We were completely broken. We resolved to make it work. It wasn’t easy. But through this season of change God has been there with us and I’m confident in saying that He’s the one that delivered us through those very rough times.

(Even as I write this, Matt Redman’s song “Never Once” is playing, the lyrics “Never once did I ever walk alone.” Just perfect.)

Looking back, I’m thankful for those changes for getting us to where we are today. And I’m hopeful for this next season and what could be in store for the Ritz crew. We’re going to bundle up though, never know what the adventure will lead us through.  

Have a little faith

Wow, the last month has been a tumultuous time for us. To recap, we went on a super nice vacation to California where we spent time at the beach, played at Disneyland, ventured through Yosemite, explored San Francisco, and discovered the amazing views along the coast.

Then we came home and I lost my job two days later.

That sucked. But as much as it sucked, it was a blessing. I hated that job. If ever there was a place that sucked the very life from its employees, it would be there. The timing, obviously, wasn't great. But even among the emotional distress, I never once panicked that we would not survive. Even through the tears, failing never was an option.

God has impeccable timing. I was unemployed for a total of two days. In those two days I was able to resolve a lot in my heart, including my desires. I realized that as much as I would LOVE to stay home with my children full time, I am able to bring so much more to our family by working. My children are thriving in the preschool program they are in, and God has given me peace with that.

The timing allowed for me to take three weeks off from working. It was the most glorious three weeks of my life. I had been running on steam for the longest time with less and less sleep and more and more stress, it was so nice to just breathe. I slept, watched television in the middle of the day, sat on the couch and ate as much ice cream in my underwear as I wanted, and did whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted. I needed that "me" time.

Our family went away to visit my parents for six glorious days in Virginia. We did so much. We loved so much.

I am thankful that I lost my job. I am thankful for my faith in God that pulled me out of the dark times, and there were definitely dark times. My mind is so capable of the very ugly, ugly, ugly. I am thankful for the friends who texted inspiration and kind words when I needed it, laughed with me, and celebrated with me. I am thankful for my husband who stood by me and encouraged me and who loves me.

I am thankful for my new job that I started this week. I am happy. AND I'm so thankful for that.

Phone Favorites

The Doctor Reverend and Little Missus were here for a few days to fulfill their role as "Papaw and Mamaw." The kids had a blast. We did SO much. No sir, not a single stone unturned during their five day visit. Of course, it's never long enough. So much we have to look forward to next time! That meant getting everyone acclimated back to their schedule mid-week, which wasn't too hard.

I am anxious for the weekend and a chance to be still for a little bit, just at home. (Yay, naked Sunday! Err, well, maybe not, who does that? ::nervous laugh::)

I hope if I get some time I'll be able to finally make the photobook I have attempted to do about a frillion times before my laptop officially bites the dust. We shall see. Happy Friday!

Home

Sitting at a kitchen table with a hot plate of pasta and talking over a television playing an animated movie in the background. Surrounded by laughter and an unspoken gentle familiarness where everything and nothing seems to matter. We pass a bowl of cut strawberries and heaping spoons of cool whip and try to forget that these moments are so limited. In the moment, this is home.

Our little family unit may be a few thousand miles apart but we’re as tight knit as can be. Growing up all we had was family, especially in the church, it always seemed unfairly that it was “us” and then “them.” It was hard to be the subjects of other people’s sin, a point that still leaves bitterness and anger stinging in my gut. We grew in, into each other, into a rather unique pack, if you will.

I always thought that we lived an incredibly dramatic life. But the more I think about it, it’s more like a really, really, really dark comedy. The kind that makes you sort of squirm and a little bit uncomfortable but still makes you feel more braver and stronger than before.

BTW, in my head, Ellen Page plays me.

Our pack is always safe. No fake fronts, no fake smiles, no expectations. And there is love. So, so, so, so much love. I hope my children have those memories. I don’t care if they remember what they did, or what presents they got, I want them to remember how they felt.

So having my family here in my house is absolutely the best thing ever. I am 100 percent whole because I can’t possible feel more at home and at peace than when they are close. Leaving is never easier. In the eight years we’ve lived a part it’s never not hurt me to my very core.

Empty chairs at my table, empty bedrooms, empty house…

Empty heart.