Leah 2011 Christmas Letter

Dear Leah,

You are my precious baby girl. Intrinsically, so female with a love for sparkle and shiny baubles, so perfectly fitting for my bright star.

A whole year later and I’m still often caught in disbelief that *I* have a daughter, me, and I get to be your mommy. The novelty of having a mini version of myself has not worn off. No, it would be a lie to say that I don’t look forward to dressing you every day. A wardrobe that would rival any fashion forward woman and you can’t even yet walk! We rarely go anywhere without getting a thousand compliments on your outfits or sweet smile.

You are my beloved baby and tiny sidekick. A true “mama’s girl,” it is a rare moment when you are not connected to me. It makes my heart happy (a little bit, okay, maybe a lot) when you choose me over daddy to snuggle.

This year you got to experience many of your “firsts,” including first roadtrip, airplane ride, pedicure, photoshoot, and all of the normal baby milestones. I look back over the photos over the previous year and the many adventures you’ve accompanied us on and I cannot imagine this life without you.

By far my biggest joy has been watching the relationship between you and your brother. You idolize him and love him in so many ways, and he loves you. I melt into a giant messy puddle when I see the two of you playing together. I am giddy with excitement at the prospect of how your stories may be woven in the future. I pray for him and you to always be close and to help each other navigate this life on earth.

One of our favorite family things we like to do is dance, doesn’t matter where we are or what music is playing. Your body explodes into bouncing giggles at the sound of music. Your daddy and I swoop you into our arms and groove around the house and you just laugh and laugh and laugh. It’s infectious. I want to bottle up your joy and carry it with me always.

Determination is one of your strongest qualities. You have an amazing amount of tenacity to accomplish what it is you set your mind to. Driven by a desire for cake (be still my heart), you took your first steps. (Girl has got her priorities straight!) Just the other day I caught you trying to climb into the rocking chair by yourself, a giant feat for someone under two feet tall.

Mama loves to rock you to sleep at night. We sing three songs, usually He’s Got the Whole World, Jesus Loves Me, and You are My Sunshine. Then we say our prayers where I ask God to protect you always and to guide you in your life and in your walk with Jesus, that He’ll bless you in so many ways, that you’ll know that whenever your world is shaking that you’ll never leave His hands, and to help me to mother you as best I can. You still suck your tiny thumb to sooth yourself into a slumber. It’s delightful beyond words.

I always knew in my heart gut that I would have a baby girl. I prayed for you before you were born and now I shout prayers of Thanksgiving for you. My world was wonderful when it was just your daddy and brother, but it’s like an entire other world was opened up and my total being was fulfilled because you came into my life. I have said that your brother is my heart, but you, darling, are my soul.

Your daddy and I love you very much.

I love you with my whole heart.

Mama

Nolan: 2011 Christmas Letter

Dear Nolan,

What an amazing year this has been for you. To watch your three year old spirit burst with excitement in whatever you do has to be the biggest joy in my life as a parent. I am intoxicated by the pure happiness in your soul. My greatest hope is that you never lose that zeal for your passions in life.

Not a day goes by that you don’t make me smile. You have a great ability to be empathetic to others, sensing when they are sad or hurt. Often I see you bring hugs to others. You share your toys or do something silly, just to cause someone to laugh. You go out of your way to deliver happiness.

I remember being very sick and upset one day at home. I was stressed and anxious from a hard day and fatigued from anguish. I remember crying out in a mess of hot stuffy tears and you ran to me, wrapping your tiny arms and squeezing my legs in the biggest bear hug that a 23 pound child could muster. You leaned in close on my chest and laid your head on shoulder, melting those problems away.

Another time when we were visiting your papaw and mamaw in Virginia papaw was very sick with Lyme disease. Sulking into the chair in the living room you crawled up in his lap and laid there with him, willing him as best you could to feel better.

You look for opportunities to engage with other people. Needless to say, you are VERY friendly. You see past appearances to greet those eyes around you. It’s as if you don’t see color, age, or status, but just the person in front of you. From beggars to celebrities, all people are equal to you. I know many grown adults could learn from you, sometimes even me.

Your favorite person in the whole world is your papaw, my father. Nothing makes you happier than to talk to him on the phone or over Skype. The two of you are best buddies, playing games, wrestling, going fishing, roasting hot dogs, making smores, you just love your papaw. It warms my heart to see that relationship grow. You guys get to do all of the fun stuff that I did with him when I was a kid. How cool is that?! My favorite picture that I have is of the two of you, walking hand in hand along the road. Papaw loves you very much, Nolan.

During the summer months you and I had a special ritual every evening, our nightly walks. Sometimes we would just take a short walk around the block, enjoying the warm night air, pointing out cars, looking at the stars, making up silly songs, and racing. Sometimes looking forward to those walks at night would be the only thing getting me through a tough day at work. Sometimes it’s hard for mama to have to work. I am thankful that we still get time in the evening to hang out and spend time together.

In August you turned three. While your strong willed spirit is prone to challenge authority occasionally, it’s been a joy to see how you have matured and your sweet disposition shine. I’m not going to sugar coat and say that it always been easy to parent you, but it’s a part of our story that I wouldn’t trade for anything. The terrible twos may have lived up to their name, but three, three is awesome.

Nolan, I look forward to this next year in 2012 and what it has in store for us. Our family would not be where we are today without you in it, and we have so much to look forward to because of you. It is with great hope that I am thrilled about seeing you develop into a young man over this next year. You have an amazing zeal for worship and prayer. Your daddy and I are gearing up to guide you in your relationship with Jesus Christ. I hope you that you never give up on that.

It’s my prayer for you that you’ll remain independent and strong in your way. I hope you always pursue what makes you happy, listening to your heart and staying true to who you are. You are capable of so much, and with your unstoppable character and tremendous charisma, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can stand in your way. Know that your daddy and I will always be behind you cheering for you.

You’ve made my world so much brighter, wider, better. I am who I am because I am your mother. YOU made me a mother. You and your sister are my whole heart.

I love you.

Momma

her birth

***Leah Alexandra Ritz was born at 2:47pm on December 15, 2010. Weighing 6lb. 7oz. and was 18.5 inches long***

She came into this world with the most beautiful and petite cry that I have ever heard. After an agonizing wait for her to emerge in the doctor's arms I felt her gentle spirit well up inside of me at the sound of her voice. I had waited so long for her that the transition into becoming her mommy felt so easy and real and natural.

I always saw myself as a mom to a daughter. I had a deep wrought desire in my soul to raise a girl. I have always said that my son Nolan is my heart, but my soul was held for a baby girl. My life could not be more perfect otherwise, I have a wonderful husband and an AH-MAZING son but we knew that our family just wasn't complete just yet. We felt the stir of a desire for a second child soon after Nolan turned one. The timing felt right and our hearts were open to parenting another precious babe. I learned that I was pregnant four days after my 27th birthday. We shared so much joy and excitement and LOVE, overabundance of absolute LOVE for this child that I carried in my belly.

At the anatomy scan Brian and I watched our baby flip and dance on the monitor showing off every angle for the camera (which if you know Leah, you know that she's a natural). I just knew as I gazed at that child that I was carrying a girl, our girl child, but I kept it to myself until my family joined us for the big reveal. I held my breath as the ultrasound technician adjusted and prepared to announce the gender... A GIRL. I audibly gasped and tears gathered in my eyes, I couldn't look away from her though. I watched her as long as the technician took measurements.

I had an emergency c-section with our son, and for planning and safety concerns we opted to schedule a second c-section for Leah. The day, December 15th grew closer as the days got shorter and the weather grew colder. Christmas and the excitement of the holidays filled the air, it was the perfect season to have a baby. My parents arrived in from a blustery snow storm in Virginia the day before to help watch Nolan while we recovered in the hospital.

The night before her birth we visited the Italian Inn and enjoyed generous plates of pasta and slow dances. One of the endearing things about the Italian Inn is all of the signatures and love notes written on the walls and surfaces of the restaurant. We left a little note of our own to mark this occasion. With our bellies full we went home to rest and pack up the car for our four day stay. I don't remember sleeping that night, hardly able to keep my excitement to myself. We woke up early the next morning and hung out at the house since we didn't need to be at the hospital until around noon. I tried to pass the time by watching cartoons with Nolan, coloring in pages, and checking my list one last time. We went for a walk outside, one of my favorite memories as a family of three (plus mamaw and papaw). Then the time came for us to leave.

I stopped at Target on my way to the hospital and bought a copy of Despicable Me for Nolan to watch with my parents while we were gone. I remember hobbling down the aisle anxious to tell everyone around me that I was going to have a baby today! I'm quite sure that wasn't the Christmas surprise that they were hoping for. I hope they didn't mind... oops!

We arrived at the hospital with bags in hand and headed to check in. The nurse led us back to our room and I sent my folks off with Nolan to grab lunch before it was surgery time. I got hooked up to monitors and of course we waited... and waited... and waited... and got bumped for an emergency, again, and then again. Finally, my doctor arrived before I got wheeled to the back. I hugged my son one more time and nuzzled my head into his mop of hair never wanting to forget him like he was right then. My first baby. My whole heart.

The ride in the hospital bed always seems so lonely. I know that seems silly, but a part of me wanted to go back and be with my loves for a little while longer. Torn between my present and the inevitable change of the future as a mom of two little ones. I pushed back that saddness when I was back in the room with the hospital staff and the last few t's were crossed.

Finally, Brian joined me again by head. He stroked my head and held my hand. We felt like pros this time, everything much more relaxed than the first. We joked about the sounds of the equipment, and how strange things felt from behind the curtain. And then that moment came and there she was!

The nurse brought her around from the curtain to the warming table. She looked so tiny and angelic. Crying turned to tiny whimpers and then she was calm. A few moments later she was in Brian's arms and near my face. I kissed her tiny head and stroked her cheek. It was so soft and so warm and then I saw the most beautiful pools of blue eyes that I've ever seen. She blinked twice at me and then closed them again, as if she saved those moments just for me. Like she waited too for her mama to arrive.

Before long Brian was able to wheel her back to the room to be joined with our families again while I got closed up. He got to help bath her in the room and Nolan got to see his "Lee Lee" for the first time. He's an awesome big brother and I believe that it's the most wonderful thing in parenthood to watch your children grow up together.

I waited a full year for both of my kids to post their birth stories because I feel like every day for the first year of their life is a celebration of their birth. And as they grow older that celebration doesn't go away, but evolves in a celebration of our journeys. I look forward with JOY and HOPE for my children in their lives. My heart and my soul are full and I am better because they are in my life. It's an honor to be their mother.

3:00:30

I did it. I participated in what quite possibly may have been the most grueling and laborious experience in the worst possible weather of my entire life. The marathon took place early on Sunday, and even though there were a million reasons that I should not have competed I went along and did it anyway.

In the days leading up to Sunday I talked myself out of running on Sunday at least a dozen times. I didn't believe that I could finish the 13.1 mile run, no way! I had never run that far or for that long in my entire life. The race had to be completed in four hours which seemed impossible to me. I didn't think my pace was fast enough nor that my terrible body could hold out that long. But I showed up anyway.

I looked around at the other people there on Sunday and I didn't look like them, I didn't have all of the fancy running gadgets and tools, my shoes were my same old Reeboks I've had for the last four or five years. My leggings were bought in the dollar bin at Forever 21 and my t-shirt wasn't doing much good shielding me from the down pouring rain and 40 degree weather. I felt so stupid for being there and embarrassed for not being prepared.

More than 25,000 people were expected to be at the race that morning and as eight o'clock rolled closer the crowds moved to the start line. My estimated time when I registered was three hours and 45 minutes, which put me in the last corral of the day -- all the way in the back. I walked past thousands and thousands of people making my way to the end to wait... and wait, and wait. The national anthem was sung and the announcer let the first groups go and the crowds moved forward step by step. Our bodies were huddled together pretty close. I turned on my iPhone and got the music going and glances around, guessing where each person would stand in the rankings. It took 34 full minutes for our corral to reach the start and we were off. I found another racer, a tall girl with a bright blue top and long black hair to be my pacer for the first half mile or so but soon she fell back and I found anther.

There were groups of people cheering along the way, some giving high fives, some with signs, residents sitting on their lawns that really helped to push us along. The route was a great tour of downtown Dallas. One of my favorite parts of the race was just being able to see parts of the city that I'd never been to before. We ran through Highland Park and the mansion-lined streets, we ran through the Belmont Addition past the Granada theater, under the Highway 75 bridge, through Turtle Creek and uptown Dallas, past McKinney Avenue and the boutique hotels along the way. The rain drops got fatter and faster along the way. At a certain point running became more about survival than about racing. My shoes were pools of water, my skin was being pierced by the cold water through all three shirts I was wearing.

I didn't feel much pain until about mile 11 when I got terrible muscle cramps in both of knees, the cold weather seized up and down the muscles in my legs and back. Anytime I slowed down pain would shoot from my lower back down both legs until I picked up my pace again. At some point someone yelled that were just one mile away from the finish line. I could see the crowds getting thicker in the distance and I found the endurance to push harder and faster to get through the last grueling hills and puddles along the way. I turned the last corner where the crowd was at least 5 people deep on both sides and I started to search for my husband's face but I didn't see him, the last 1/4 mile was awesome, people cheered loudly and I looked up to see the clock, and something in me clicked and I sprinted as fast I could because I was almost done and I was elated to be finished and be done. I couldn't believe that I had done it. I had finished the 13.1 miles even though I didn't think I could do it. And guys, I've never felt better in my entire life. I was floating on air from the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I wanted to yell, "F$&% yeah, I DID THAT." But I didn't. It was awesome and amazing and the most incredible feeling in the world. If only I could bottle up that and save it for a rainy day, man. So cool.

I scurried through the crowd at the finish line and rounded the corner to the finishers complex when I saw Brian's face waiting at the end of the fence. His face lit up when he saw me and realized that it was me that was galloping towards him. I wanted him to be proud of me. I nearly collapsed into the fence in front of him as I gave into my body's exhaustion. By then my body started to realize the cold and the pain started to set in. I grabbed my medal and shirt and then met up with Brian, anxious to get my dry clothes on. I found him among all of the other families waiting for me and he helped me hobble to a closed off corner where I changed my clothes. I ached and needed his help to peel off the icy wet layers. We didn't stay to celebrate. I'm pretty sure my body was going into shock because I couldn't stop trembling, each step hurt SO BAD. I grunted through the mile walk to the car, my hands went numb, I just wanted to curl up and die in the parking lot of Fair Park but that didn't seem like an option.

One of the things I looked forward to the most after the race was giving into the biggest junk food binge possible. I didn't want waste all of those calories that I burned! Seriously, I salivated thinking about shoveling all that food in my mouth, NOM. I wanted to eat the face off a hamburger and devour a plate of greasy onion rings. But my stomach felt ill trembling from the cold and shock. The hot and cold flashes continued through the drive home. We got home and I couldn't wait to hug my babies, but mostly I couldn't wait to jump into the bathtub. A hot bath has never felt so good, EVER. I rolled around in the tub for a good hour, letting every inch of my skin soak and relax. I got into my pajamas and laid on the couch for the next few hours cruising pinterest and facebook. My friend Tracy also ran the race and she's the one who told me the times had been posted. I couldn't believe it when I saw my official time, 3:00:30. Almost 45 minutes faster than I ever imagined I could possible do.

It wasn't just about finishing fast though. This was about doing something that I didn't think I could do. My whole life I've had people tell me that I couldn't do something, people tearing me down. An older teacher in my high school said I would never be successful. I laugh at her stupidity now, because my life could not be more perfect than it is. A boy in my seventh grade wrote that I was fat in my seventh grade yearbook. My looks and opinion of myself aren't related to what other people define me as. I see his face on facebook and I still want to punch that little jerk, though. I interviewed for a job at a company that I interned at. I really wanted this job and it all seemed to line up just perfect and then the person who interviewed me said that I wasn't impressive enough. When I put my mind to something I will do it.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

If my children learn one thing from me, it's that their mom is a badass.

And if anything else it's that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. That we are capable of much more than we think. I want them to know that I believe in them and in the power they have to be anything they set their minds to be.

Post race, look horrible but feel awesome

a prayer

I want to run away from You. I want to tear through the fields of this earth and feel the warmth of my beaten path where the rounded stones and familiar steps would take me away, far, far, far away from here and from You to the other side of this place to a perfectly peaceful lone beach.

The sand is cool, the clouds hang low yet gentle are the skies, the water is still. It is quiet and I like it. I build myself a sandcastle with heaps of beautiful and delicately intricate pieces of the earth. I pour myself into this mastery, a fancy piece of art carefully crafted. I feel a sense of pride in the light of what I have accomplished. This castle reflects my time, and energy, and my abilities as a mother, woman, and who I am as a person. Pieces of heart-shaped shells adorn the walls of the tall towers that raise skyward to the heavens. Seashells... trinkets of my soul. I built that sandcastle.

But sandcastles aren't made to last forever and it starts to crumble over time. The elements and seasons change and time goes slowly by. Then the water once still and calming starts stirring and it's crashing down on my beach. The clouds seem darker, intimidating and scary. I shield the sandcastle with my body but it's fruitless. The wind passes over and through me, and the storm overtakes my tiny frame.

Just like that my sandcastle is nothing more than a broken scattered pile of messy wet sand. The wind begins to howl and the sky grows restless. My monument is ruined. I hunt for those seashells among that mess, wiping hot sweaty tears away with my dirt stained hands. My arms and knees are dirty and bloody from digging and looking for those seashells. I try to protect them, each one by one and clutch them close my body. One of them cuts a fresh wound in my palm and I drop it. It stings harshly and I can't grasp them all any longer because the waters knock me down and I choke on the foamy fluid. I'm fighting to find some air as I'm tossed hard into the sea wall. I'm weary and it hurts. I can't find my breath. The salty waters sting my eyes and I cry out because I can't take it anymore.

And You hear me. And You save me.

You scoop me out of the darkness, out of my own mess. You gave me refuge and restored my strength. You gave me grace despite what I did to You when I ran away. You restored my faith and loved me, even when I was most unloveable. You gave me comfort and covered my scars. And you invited to me rebuild castles together in heaven, on Your solid ground.

I will praise You all the days of my life.

9/11

Ten years ago I was woken by a phone call from my father alerting me that America was under attack by terrorists. That a plane had taken down the World Trade Centers, hit the pentagon and a fourth plane in Pennsylvania.

I turned on the tv, anxious to take in more information. I sat on that couch where I had been sleeping for the last few weeks still in my pajamas and poured over everything that Katie Couric was saying. I couldn't imagine what this meant for my country, nor what it would still mean 10 years later.

It was just two weeks prior that I had gotten on a plane from Richmond for my new home and new normal in Texas. I was working at Target and had classes at Tarrant County. I didn't know many people in this strange place. At the time my mom was still in Richmond while our house there was on the market. I thought about my mom. I thought about those families in New York, Washington, and around the world. I questioned what this would mean for us, our country and our future.

I was fearful for more, a flash of memories from apocalyptic stories that were taught in my church classes from the time I was little. The future seemed so uncertain. I wasn't sure what my future looked like. And looking back I remember wondering if all I have now would even be possible.

I felt so alone in the first months (and sometimes years) after 9/11. I didn't have any friends. I had just left the only life I had ever known and America had just been attacked. I had nothing to cling to except for hope. Hope for healing and for comfort.

Ten years later and I can't put into words how thankful I am for those that rose up after 9/11 and fought back and ensured our freedoms. Those that are still fighting so that my children can have the same kind of life that I have been blessed to have.

We are all so thankful.

Falling in love with fall

I'm so glad that the month of August is over. It makes me irrationally giddy for boot weather to hurry up and get here. I love fall, it's all cozy and cool, all laid back and relaxed. I definitely think it's the most chill of the seasons, like if mother nature had a family, fall would be that awesome aunt/uncle with the cool glasses and giant cup of coffee that listened to good music and drove you to get ice cream when you were a kid.

That seems really random, but that's just how my brain has been working lately. I'm blaming the frillion days of over 100 degree summer weather we've been having in Texas. Or fatigue. I really did just google, "where to buy 5 Hour Energy in bulk." Sams Club has it, just an FYI.

My plate is admittedly full and each day seems to bring some other awesome opportunity that tugs at my heart. Just when I think I can figure out how to shift the weight of that heaping portion of responsibility to one side in order to squeeze a tiny sliver of pie (Or say, a girls-only weekend), I trip over my own feet and my plate ends up a yucky sloppy mess scattered amongst the shattered glass and I have to clean it all up and start all over again only more hungry than I was before. It's a cycle.

I think we have some really great things ahead of us in the coming months. I'm not a person that gets their hopes up, but the prospect of the change in our lives makes my heart and soul happy.

Fall is right around the corner. I can see it in the leaves and feel it in the air. I'm anxious for the dried up layers and tired days to end, like my soul shedding its skin and starting over with a new season. Refreshed. Renewed. Relaxed.

Glossy

Life can be pretty darn hilarious sometimes. Falling-to-your-knees-choking-for-air-can't-catch-your-breath laughter rumbling through your body till your sides hurt. I like laughing. life is funny... except when it's not. And sometimes it just isn't.

There are lots of parts of me that's aren't very funny or pretty and truthfully, they can be down right filthy ugly. But I try as I might to cover those over, wrapping up my whole self in a shiny tidy glossy box (with a bow, of course!) to present to you.

This is me.



From the outside I think I look pretty darn good, ifIdosaysomyself.

God did a great thing when he made it so that people's outsides don't have to match their insides. We don't have to show off our broken pieces, scars on our hearts, painful reminders of what has hurt us in the past. God doesn't make us carry those with us... we do that to ourselves.

Somedays I get crippled by what has been done to me or said to me. I don't have the words to explain to my husband why my insecurities make it hard for him to touch me or love on me. He loves me SO MUCH. But I never will feel like I deserve it, that I'm worthy of that because I've been told (and my mind will tell me NOW) that I don't.

I build up walls around my beating heart as wide as they are thick and find comfort in keeping people out of reach, 'don't touch me!' Closeness makes me nerve-y. The deeper the yuckier.... the darker. I'm an onion I tell ya.

A glossy (and sometime stinky) prize-winning onion.

The Saga... Part 1

I don't think that there is anything more stressful than car buying. There's so much anxiety looking at features, sweating over interest rates, and negotiating price. I wouldn't let myself into a new car for fear I'd vomit all over the meticulously vaccummed seat. They should consider serving a valium with their free bottled water at the dealership, geez.

I have been driving a black 2007 two-door Hyundai Accent for a few years, but two car seats later and more than a dozen road trips that just wasn't working out for us much. We needed safety, space, and cargo room and an SUV seemed like it would be the best option for us.

Brian and I both are on Team Anti-Minivan. We narrowed down our options and price range when we happened upon a modestly priced 2003 BMW x5. We met the salesmen at his house because he lived closer to our house than the dealership which was in Dallas. Of course, we fell in love with it. There wasn't much to not love about it, leather seats, sun roof, AH-MAZING safety features, and enough trunk space to haul a decent stash of Ikea furniture, you know, the really important stuff.

We prayed and negotiated the terms of our loan and felt truly blessed that everything seemed to be falling into place...

I'll go ahead and tell you that whenever things seem like they are working in my favor I immediately start to doubt the situation.

Sure enough, we had signed at every last x except for the last page and the terms and numbers were not AT ALL what we had agreed to previously. I'm not sure where the mistake happened and the sales guy swears it was a mistake, but long story short, the deal was a no-go.

We were heartbroken.

At that point my stomach is pretty turned and I'm ready to give up. But we went back home and hit the internet again looking, listing, and exploring our options.

The following morning we went to a Nissan dealership for an appointment to look at a 2006 Nissan Murano, same price range but a little newer and less fancy.

We met our sales guy, Genuine.... Let's ponder the irony of that, a used car sales man named Genuine. Riiight.

We test drove a white Murano, and I immediately knew that this car was the one. After all, we had looked over the features and price on the internet the night before. I was ready to sign on the dotted line as soon as I turned off the engine.

Except that this Murano was not the Murano we came to see.

My first question of course was, "so, how much is it?"

"Genuine" didn't know the price. But promised it would be close to what the original Murano was.

Aaaaand, we waited, and waited, and waited.

Genuine came back with a sheet with sharpie marks scribbled all over it and dropped it on the table.

My heart starts racing and I can feel the heat and anger rising in my belly when I see that he's got a number that is $8,000 MORE than the one we came to see. No where near the same price range!

I had about had it with car people at this point. It was past lunch time and the kids were getting retless. My parents were with the kids playing in the lobby and I went to pull them together so we could leave.

Unimpressive

I am one step closer to becoming a scholar once again! Yes, that's right, I'm taking the GRE in just a few weeks so I can get my butt back in the classroom and on my way to that effing masters degree I've been putting off for forever. But I'm already dying painfully slowly from studying for this damn test.

Math? Seriously, what is that about? I have an iPhone, I can just google the answer to a fraction question anytime I want. Who needs long division? Masochists, that's who.

I pretty much really suck at math. It's the frickin bane of my existance. I've never, ever, ever, everevereverever been good at math. That (math) is for the birds, I tell you. Nothankyousir.

That's not to say that I don't have talents in other areas. I'm just not certain that the committee who will be reviewing my grad school application are going to be all that impressed with what I have to offer.

Here is a list of things that I have managed to accomplish/perfect in my lifetime. Don't be jealous.

1. Singing the alphabet backwards - yes, zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba. My steel trap mind has held on to that tidbit of information after picking it up from a very naughty stand up comedian. Though this talent has yet to pay off monetarily, it has won me quite a few respect points from a bar full of strangers.

2. An ability to win "free crap" in sweepstakes - Karma/good luck tend to work in favor, I'm not going to lie. Maybe I'm a reincarnated martyr or just saved a lot of kittens in another life, just saying. There is no rhyme or reason why I've been able to walk away with free vacations, electronics, and lots of knick nacks.

3. An ability to look at a candy bar and gain five pounds. That's pretty self explanatory.

4. I can pretty much reenact Disney Pixars "Cars" movie word-for-word verbatim. That, I can blame on my preschooler.

5. Actually live a nightmare and live to tell about it. You know that nightmare you have where you wake up and suddenly remember that there is a class that you signed up for but never attended and it's the day of the final? Yeah, in college I enrolled in a for-credit scuba diving class that was on Saturdays. I figured it would be super fun and cheap, plus I was about to go on my honeymoon and I was psyched to school my fiance with my sweet moves.... But the first day or class came and I went and I was completely missed it... and the second week as well. Yeah. I did that.

So I guess you could say that I'm more a "life experiences" kind of learner. I've all but abandoned hope for the math portion... let's just hope I knock the essay section of my application out of the park!

Bathroom Makeover - Be Awesome Today

This past July we celebrated three years of being in our home. So much has happened in that time yet it does still feel like it was a blink ago that we were unpacking boxes and preparing for our first (of two eventual) little bundles. I got the itch to makeover a space while on a routine trip to Home Depot. Now our normal color pallette for our home is pretty close to this:

But I really felt like I wanted to step out of my neutral comfort zone, do something a little different than what I would normally gravitate towards. I'm a huge fan of Young House Love, Sherry and John are such an awesome couple and I'm in awe of everything they have done in their home. They too have been stepping out of the ol' comfort zone and have made some fantastic and dramatic changes to their home. I saw this fantastic tealish/blue-ish hue that they painted their guest bedroom:

So I attempted to find something that was close to that at the HD when I spotted two gallon size cans of oops paint that was a pretty close, but a little different. I toyed back and forth with the idea since it wasn't exactly the happy teal/blue-ishy color that I had been dreaming of, but for $5 I figured it was probably worth it. I had all of the other paint supplies at home and I knew instantly the room that I was going to tackle, the guest bathroom!
With two little ones (including a little dude who is potty training) I thought it would be a good idea to "kid-friendly" up this room before too long. That meant covering over the standard builder flat paint on the walls. Since the room was so small it only took a few hours to finish the room...
The hardest part was finding a shower curtain that complimented the room color. (I know, I know, that's a little backwards to paint a room without a concrete plan, but just go with it.) I fell in love with this shower curtain from Anthropologie:

But for $118 I'd have to clothe myself in it for the next year to make up for the price. I scoured the internet looking at different places including Target, CB2, PBTeen, Ikea, and a few other big box stores but had no luck. Finally when I was on a toilet paper and trash bag run to Walmart I made at stop at their home section and there was the absolute perfect shower curtain, and it was only $14! SCORE!





Project breakdown:

Paint: Behr, oops (color unknown): $5
Shower curtain: Walmart, $14
Accessories: already owned
Number 1 and 2 Hooks: Hobby Lobby, $1.50 each
Wall Art: By me, old canvases repurposed.
Galvanized bucket: Thrifted, $2.

All of the accessories including the shelves were items that I already owned, some were just repurposed, like the canvases. Overall I am very happy with it all. I'm already dreaming up (and bookmarking on pinterest) more dramatic ideas for the rest of the house. I can't wait to see what will be next for our little family and for our house during the NEXT 3 years.

(Semi) Permanent Scars and the 9-Minute Cake

It's true, I am no baker. I don't have the time nor talent to create an meticulous masterpiece of edible art but dang it, do I know what a good cupcake tastes like. I'm a conesseur or carbs, you might say. Generally, I don't stray away from Betty Crocker in the rare event that I do decide to bake up something sweet. Two eggs, a cup of milk, some butter, and a little bit of oil and you are golden (or yellow cake, hee hee). And icing is a whole other monster beast that I'm sure I would royally screw up. Things that are outside of my comfort zone make my stomach nervous which kind of ruins the carb eating enjoyment, you dig?

My mom bought me a fancy Pampered Chef rice cooker not too long ago and which is a rockstar dinner time saver. You just zap it in the microwave and instant poofy white rice. Delicious. But there is also a recipe for a 9-minute cake that can be made in the rice cooker. You can find the recipe here and lots of other places on the internet. I know it works and the cake is AMAZING because we successfully made one with my mom when she was visiting. So, doubters, this is legit.

I went to Aldi to grab groceries and I picked up a box of cake mix and frosting because I was all about to get my carb freak fix on. I got home and followed the instructions, dumping my chocolate cake mix and the can of fosting into the rice cooker and set the microwave for 9-minutes, anxious to go all sorts of dirty things to that cake when it was finished. I waiting patiently (as much as I could) for the microwave to ding and then I pulled out and popped it open only to be completely disappointed. The cake hadn't cooked AT ALL. It was kind of a (delicious) gooey-ish mess at the bottom. FAIL.

So what does one do when something isn't quite cooked all the way? I put it back in the microwave for 5 minutes. I figured that would be about enough time that there should be some decent cake action that would edible. You can imagine my shock and horror when I walked back into the kitchen only to find it full of smoke and reeking of burnt plastic. FAN-EFFING-FREAKING-TASTIC. It only got worse when I opened the door, a stream of cloudy black smoke poured out of the microwave waifing through the house. I managed to open the rice cooker top to assess the damage only to find a full on boil and charred plastic "caking" (how funny) inside of the cooker. I tried to put it outside to cool down but that didn't work fast enough so I thought I would douse it with water.

The smell, naturally, is gagworthy. So I'm trying to get as much of the "cake" down the drain that I can with my hands, including the giant chunks of char and uncooked dry mix. My hopes for cake and most of my pride were washed down that drain as well.

Sad day, indeed.

It wasn't until much later that I examined my hands that I noticed I may have accidently left myself with a permanent reminder of my big fat cake failure.



I have tried everything short of bleach and steel wool to get it off but it's not working. I have no idea how it happened! I've always joked about getting a tattoo of a potato to represent my love of carbs but this is kind of ridiculous. This is my scarlet letter to wear as a fatty, I guess. SIGH.

Naked

I'm not going to pretend that there is anything sacred in our home. In fact, it's my opinion that one of the greatest things about owning a home is the ability to just walk around without clothes anytime you want. Anytime. Thank you Jesus for blinds and curtains! Before my husband and I had kids we took great liberty in enjoying our homeownership and the freedoms that it allowed. If I wasn't leaving the house then putting on pants just seemed kind of like an unnecessary chore.

Needless to say, one of those fateful naked Sundays produced (not one but) TWO little people. Guess we didn't learn our lesson. AHEM. For the most part I remember to pull a shirt on when I'm at home. Having two little ones and a dog I really feel like it should be a number one priority to be able to run out the front door at a moments notice... you really, really just never know. Our little family is super tight though. I mean we do just about everything together. This is more because we are poor and have no family nearby so we take the kids with us everywhere. Like our own little wolfpack... or comedy troupe! Anyway.

I guess they say kids emulate their parents and everything that they see them do so it shouldn't be much of a surprise when my three year old wakes us up on Monday morning by parading into our master bedroom completely in the nude, jumps on our bed and the white duvet and is yelling "I NAAAAAAAAAAAKED! I NAAAAAAKED, HUUUNEY MAAMMMMAAAA, IIIIIIIIIIII NAAAAKED."

And THEN he stops, spins around, looks me right in the eye and says with a giant smile on his face, "I'm dancing naaaked, mama..." His tiny body and blonde head bounce up and down on the mattress as his little twigs and berries are flopping all around. I couldn't make this up.

That kid kills me. We do naked. And we dance. But never, to my knowledge, have we danced naked. Well, in front of the kids that is.

To be honest, he wasn't that bad of a dancer to be related to me. I'm a person that could easily be confused with a beached walrus trying to get back to sea on a dance floor. (Close your eyes and imagine that for a moment, yes, yes, IT IS that bad.) My unnatural awkward lack of rhthym is astonishing, even as a white girl, wow. SO BAD. Maybe we should reconsider ballet class for him after all? I mean a leotard is pretty close to being naked.

I suppressed my laughter long enough to escort our little exhibitionist to the potty and got him to put his pull up back on without much of a fight.

So now I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping he doesn't reinact that scene at daycare. I'm not sure how his teacher would feel about his smooth moves.

It doesn't get easier... just different

Someone told me that this morning after I updated my facebook status to this:

Overwhelmed. Covered over. Spread.
I know every mother faces it in some way or another, because it never ever seems like it's enough.
I have so many hopes and plans for our future, for my future. Things that would mean great opportunities for us and my children. But I'm so afraid that my own ambitions are keeping me from being truely present for my children.
I make the excuse that by sacrificing now I'll be able to give them more later. More of my time, more of me. Yet, I feel so pulled to being present for my career, tied to a cellphone or computer, letting my mind spin on work related topics that I can't. pull. away. And I don't know that I'll ever feel things get back into balance.
I need six-frillion times more minutes in the day to not be teetering. It's an act on a tight rope and most of the time I'm just inching along afraid to look down... afraid to let people down.

Small Style: The Cuteness. I die.

Her feet are so tiny! They always have been, and so has she. My little petite princess just barely twelve pounds, twelve pounds of perfection!

I'm still in awe of her and loving every inch of her. In the last few weeks her personality has blossomed and has just taken off. She sits up which delights her so much. She looks you in the eye when you talk to her and affirms your heart gut that she's listening and that she loves you.

Dressing her is still so much of a delight. I mentioned that she's small, meaning her feet are little too, just now fitting into newborn shoes at almost six months. I can't wait to fully take advantage of THAT.


On Leah: Dress: Tea Collection, Onesie: Old Navy; Jeggings: The Children's Place, Shoes: gifted; Headband: Hobby Lobby.


On Leah: "Let Love Grow" Top: Target, Leggings: 77 Kids by American Eagle; Shorts: Old Navy, Headband: etsy seller BriarClaire.

For more small style and some amazing cute kids, visit: Mama Loves Papa.

Small Style - Ritzy

We've had some wicked weather here in Texas lately... and seemingly it's been the same all over the states. What gets me is the impossible to dress 40 degree mornings that heat up SO, SO, SO quickly to highs in the 90's. How do I know what to put my kids in for daycare? So our clothes are still full of heavy knits mixed with tanks and soft worn-in t-shirts. Personally, I'm a huge fan of layers, but my toddler would just as soon walk around naked than put on a jacket. Does anyone elses child insist on wearing shoes alldaylong, like 24/7? Even to bed?

T-shirt: gifted, but pretty sure it's from Target, cords by Crazy 8, flip flops: Target

I love the look of old concert or band t-shirts on little boys. Perhaps that's the hippie in me reflecting on my children.

For my daughter I know my personal style is reflected in her outfits. So the layers really play well with the manic weather patterns. Four months old and her feet are still too small for shoes. I'm kind of jealous that she gets to run around barefoot.

Cardigan: part of an outfit from Walmart, Onesie: Target, Shorts: Target, Leggings: Target, Headband: etsy.
This outfit reminds me of a modern ballerina, like she had just pulled on some shorts and a cardigan over her tights and leotard after rehearsal, proper, yet relaxed... so perfectly my daughter. I love it.


For more Small Styles, check out Mama Loves Papa.

In Her Eyes

I could look into these eyes all day long. They are these tiny beautiful pools of blue that mirror flecks of sunlight and light up her face. I am often entranced at how much of her personality is written in her mannerisms. She frequently looks with discernment and caution, but warms up to people so quickly which speaks to her easy-going nature.

I love her so much and I'm absolutely smitten when she smiles. She talks! Oh, my how loud her little voice can be. I hear her giggle at her brother or coo at her daddy and she melts me.

I am so thankful that my heart is now complete.

Easter Sunday

The Easter bunny came this morning, unfortunately, not early enough to beat the before-dawn rising toddler but we managed a tiny miracle and distracted him long enough for the EB to make his way in and out without being caught.

This has to be the best time to be a parent, this age, because it just keeps getting better and better as each holiday comes. His little squeel when he saw his cars and, oh boy! oh boy! ring pops!

Leah, of course, is still too small to know what's happening yet but having a girl to prep for these holidays is just awesome.

bow: Glam R Baby
I'm totally saving this flower headband for her baby dedication in two weeks. She pretty much rocks it.

We went to church and came home to cook lunch. I made my first ham and no one died from eating it, so I'm calling it a win. Brian's dad, his girlfriend, and Brian's grandma came over for lunch. In addition to the ham we had mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, carrots, and deviled eggs. I made carrot cake cupcakes for dessert. We had a great time and it's been a relaxing day.

Now we're settling in and watching Megamind, which by the way I bought yesterday at Target when I got hit by a car... but that's a story for another day.

Small Style - Leah is Awesome

I can honestly say that planning her outfits is the highlight of my day, nay, I say my life. There are so many wonderful things about her and about being a parent that I can't possibly put them all into words. My children are quite honestly my heart and soul. My loves.



On Leah today:

dress by Oilily
onesie by Circo for Target
leggings by 77 kids (American Eagle)
bow by etsy seller princessandme

For more small styles check out Mama Loves Papa.

Small Style: Leah

My baby will be four months old on Friday... four months and I still can't hardly believe that *I* have a daughter. She's wonderful and perfect and completes our family. That's not to mention that I am OVER THE MOON excited about dressing her.


Little Happy T-Shirt: 77 Kids by American Eagle
Jacket: Target, Circo Brand
Skirt: Target, Circo Brand
Rainbow Leggings: Babylegs
Flower headband: gift

I'm so excited to be a part of Small Styles this week! For more check out Mama Loves Papa.

Mom Style Monday - First Edition

Let me first say that I am no fashion plate. I don't pretend to be any shade of "hip" or "with it," but I'm not a prude and I have a little some dignity so I try to put together outfits that make me feel nice and confident.

Since having kids I've had a phobia about showing my arms. When I was a single gal and in our dating years I never had a problem sporting a tank or strappy dress. I guess maybe I'm just drawn more to layers, which is nice since you see that more lately, but not so nice since we're drawing close to the miserable Texas summer heat. I'm hoping I'll get a little bit more confident in my body and accept things for the way there are now. I quite simply don't have the time to be self conscious about myself anymore.



blue dress: American Eagle
Cream tank: Old Navy
Pink cardi: Old Navy
Metallic sandals: Target
Flower hair clip: H&M
Brooch: made by me

I wore this outfit to church yesterday and again to work today (faux pas? possibly.) I felt super cute in it. AND, I bought the dress 2 sizes smaller than what I normally would buy from American Eagle and it fit perfectly! I layered a tank under it for added coverage on top which worked out great and made pumping and nursing modestly easy since I could pull the dress down and the tank up. The cardigan was part of a set I bought a million years ago when I worked at ON in college. I pink puffy heart those sandals. I'm a flats girl all the way and sandal season is my absolute favorite.



I made this little brooch one night when my husband was out and the kids went to bed early. The rosettes were leftover from a Christmas project so I just hot glued them to a piece of leftover felt and tucked a piece of feather in there as well. I love how it tied in the hair clip and matched the tank too.

Of course now that I'm sitting down to write this I'm back in my comfy shorts and t-shirt with my hair pulled in a low messy ponytail but no one else has to know that, right????

I get my best sleep

In the 2.5 years that I've been a parent I have not had a single restful night sleep and that's not an exaggeration. I know I lay my head down for at least 7 hours every night but I still feel like I'm exhausted by noon every day. It's one of those things that you just adapt to, I guess. The tiredness and nodding off is my new normal... so yay, me!

I lay my head on my balled-up orange pillow and piece together the day as my thoughts run through my mind. Anxious by nature, I do my best worrying after the lights are off and all distractions are gone. Ten, eleven, twelve, the hours creep past me as I toss and turn with just the shallow green light from my alarm clock to keep me company...

Right now Nolan sleeps in his own bedroom just on the other side of our wall and Leah in the pack and play a mere 2 feet from me. He stays there typically from 10pm-4am. Almost like clockwork I can hear his little legs roll out of bed and him walking down the hall to our door to Brian's arms and in between us in our tiny (well, it's a queen size) bed. He does not sleep lightly and the kid practically breakdances in his slumber. An elbow jab here, a foot there, and almost, almost, almost always he's on my side of the bed. But it kinda brings me peace in those early hours, I guess. Because as I'm laying there (NOT SLEEPING) I'm comforted by the sounds of the rythym of both of my babies breathing and right then, right there, everything is right and I can drift right back to sleep.

I promised myself this

I thought of a million different ways to start this blog entry today but at the moment every single one of them has escaped me.

At the moment all four of us are sitting in the living room watching Cars for the eleventy billionth time. I could probably recite this movie word for word or even reenact it for you if you needed me to. But it's Monday night and there is nothing on television and Nolan did eat all of his dinner and it's terribly cold outside so here we are. I shouldn't complain though, because we are together and I'm always reminding myself that this is just a phase, that this will go by all too fast.

I got the craft bug earlier and started to get out some stuff to work on but then I felt like it had gotten too late. I wanted to make a few felt brooches for Leah's clothes, something cute and colorful to jazz up a few dresses and cardigans... but I didn't.

I'm really good at that, getting an idea in my head but not seeing through fruition. I have lots of ideas actually, but I lack in areas that would make those ideas work. That's not a dig for compliments, it's just me being truthful. I can make a list of things I want to accomplish but until I start to do anything than all they are are ideas. There are no medals for ideas and ideas aren't achievements. I guess I have motivation envy, if that is a real thing.

But for now all I feel like I have motivation to do is cuddle these guys.