Saying goodbye

Change is inevitable. The world keeps turning, time keeps ticking, and life, general, well it goes on.

We all face life choices, those crossroad opportunities that we know deep down mean that one path must end so that the journey can continue. Sometimes we stand before those two paths for a long time, letting our minds wonder into the what if’s, envisioning ourselves in a reality that might or might not exist.

I stared down that fork in the road for months of wondering, praying, and sitting idle until the uncertainty settled and the moment felt right to shift my weight forward.

It wasn’t an easy decision. Life was comfortable. But I think I knew it was right when things at work and at home were tied up neatly like stacks of Christmas packages complete with red ribbon bows.  No more projects lingering, deadlines looming, and overflowing inboxes.

I will be leaving the University of North Texas effective May 18.

The incredible support system I had in place through my work at UNT and at ACUI helped me grow. I feel like I owe so much of who I am today to the experiences I gained through ACUI. My passion for touching lives was ignited at conferences, my want to be a part of something bigger than myself expanded at IPDS, and my drive for excellence was inspired by each and every one of you.

I see so much potential in my colleagues that it brings me great sadness to know that I won’t get to watch them develop further in their careers. I will miss them truly and deeply. I will miss hearing their voices on conference calls and late nights working with the regional leadership team and the conference planning teams. I will miss bear hugs and belly laughs over brews catching up with old friends in a new city.

I will miss my ACUI family. “How lucky I am to know someone who is so hard to say goodbye to.”- Annie, the movie.

It's just plastic

Our little house has been overrun with toys and trinkets for the tiny humans. Their closet has been filled to the brim with boxes of matchbox cars, squeeky soft baby teethers, an unopened walker still in its box, and a sea of Legos and Little People dotted with Cars memorabilia. I had long ago snapped the lid on that bin of baby bibs and burp clothes when a pair of tiny red shoes fell on my head as I pulled it from the top shelf. (She had only worn those once.)

I fought back the desire to purge the house of the extra, the fluff, the excess that we keep tucked away, out of sight, out of mind. I want to hold onto to every little thing that those tiny fingers touched and hide away the memories of their little years away in my heart. I want them to stay small, to stay mine, for time to stay still.

But time does not listen and little ones grow up. My, they grow up so fast!

It's just stuff, I say to myself as tears fill up my eyes. It's just plastic and the memories are mine.

I think I'm struggling with getting rid of their things because it means that our baby years are behind us. My head says it's right but my heart just can't commit to moving forward. It means accepting that moments are fleeting, and unfair as it seems, time keeps going on.

My babies will grow up. We're edging closer to F-O-U-R and T-W-O. And what we have to look forward to!

So, yes, the most epic yard sale in the history of parenthood takes place THIS SATURDAY at the Ritz house. Please ignore the cry-face lady in advance. K? Thanks.

P.S. I'm keeping those red shoes. 

bicycle

Last year my husband bought me a bike for birthday. At the time I was on this crazy fitness kick, somehow thinking that if I peddled around my neighborhood a few times a week that my body would magically morph into Mila Kunis.

Turns out, that is not so.

Biking is hard, dude. While it maybe true that you never forget how to ride a bike, it doesn't mean you won't always be an awkward mess that resembles a drunken school kid trying to ride in a straight line.

But nonetheless I would ride my bike up and down the streets of Timberland Estates. In order to limit the humilitation of being seen in public I started riding my bike after dark. But I rode that bike that it was my job.

As you can probably guess I fell off of the bike bandwagon pretty quick once winter came around and my precious cruiser sat in the garage tucked to the side. Sometimes she would catch my eye and I'd mutter something about needed to get back on that, but the weather was cold, or I was tired, of the kids needed to eat dinner and it was quickly forgotten.

I've been a total slacker about exercising lately. Totally eating like there won't be any consequences. Cake, brownies, hamburgers, french fries, name it and I've scarfed it down with a large diet coke. Well yesterday we had some extra time in the evening right after the kids' bedtime so I opened the garage door and pulled out the old girl for a spin.

Just as I was about to jump on my neighbor drives up to her house. Instead of going about my business like a sane person, I decide to push the bike down the street a little further to avoid any awkwardness.... Because looking like some shady weirdo bicycle theif running away is NOT awkward at all. I'm a smarty, I tell ya.

So I finally get to a place out of sight and hop on. I notice that it's a little harder to pedal than I remembered, but chalk it up to one too many chicken nuggets on the couch in front of an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. I continue to push through down my street further and further, but man am I really breaking a sweat now and my legs are burning. My fat ass is sliding off the seat and it's pushing into my babymaking parts (and not even in a good way).

This shit is starting to hurt!

At this point I'm clenching my teeth and practically having a heart attack in the middle of the intersection when I look down and notice that the stupid effing wheels have no air. What a #*%&#$@)!#* idiot I am.

Now I have run a half marathon, I have hiked up and down mountians, I have birthed two babies, but that bike ride was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I would have called my husband to have him come pick me up but I left my phone at home. I would have left that stupid bike on the road but I'm too cheap to do that.

I hate that bike.

In a blink...

Dang, it's been forever since I've written something. It's not that I haven't *wanted* to write, because, I totally have wanted to but my life is a little nuts right now. But it's totally a great story that I can't wait to share once we're on the other side of this thing, which should be in about 10 days.

Gallbladders! Panic attacks! Medicated... and then UN-medicated! 60 hour work weeks! Rejection! Overcoming adversity! Destroying a brand new dress in less than 2 hours! Travel! Romance (well, BRO-mance.) It's the stuff that movies are made of, promise!

All is fine.

And apologies to the two readers (hey mom!) who keep up with me.

xoxo, love you bunches.

sick-y

I have a sick-y baby.

A fever spiking between 104 and 105, coughing fits shaking her tiny body, a struggle to breathe through congestion, angry cries from achy bones. Poor thing just wants to feel better.

I laid with her across my lap between the hours of one and four am. Wrapping my arms around her waist and neck, snuggling her in the curve of my elbow listening to the rattle of air pass in and out of her body. A pool of warm sweat beads collected on the bed sheets and onto my shirt. Her hair matted from the sticky heat radiating from her forehead. She looked so small compared to me.

I moved us closer to the humidifier, letting the cool air cover her cheeks as I sat up against the wall of my bedroom in the complete dark. My phone sat across the room from me plugged into the wall. I couldn't reach the light on my nightstand and I didn't want to risk waking her from the slumber she finally had found. She shifted slightly and I bounced her back to sleep quickly singing her soft lullabies, hugging her tightly while glancing at the glow of the alarm clock counting the minutes until dawn.

While the rest of the house was quiet I sat alone with my girl. My mind wandered deeper, but I redirected myself off that path. My energy couldn't be spent on THOSE thoughts. I have to use all of myself that I can to make my darling angel better.

I can deal with those feelings later. The wondering if I'll ever be a good enough mother. Wondering if I'm doing all of this wrong. Wondering if I'm hurting my kids by having this career. And MY. GOSH. the guilt. Trying to have both a successful work life and balance the perfect family life. The voice that tells me I'm failing. Trying to keep the peace. Oh, the guilt.

But that's for later. When baby girl is better.

Mommy can get better.

stoplight

It was a dark and cold rainy morning as I sat at the stoplight in a rental car that I've had for far too long. The drops hit hard on the windshield as the wipers swished waves of water to the side. We waited as music from the hipster radio station hummed just under the sound of the rain. The red from the stoplight poured into my seat...

I'm waiting. In a holding pattern. Sitting in an infinite idle.

So much of our future is in the air.... waiting. Waiting for God to make his next move, for the stars to align, and for this chapter to end. It's calming and frustrating to know that THIS will end... eventually. But for now I'm waiting.

I remember back to my teen years, driving solo in my beat up old white hatchback across country roads in the deep of night. Waiting to grow up. Waiting for a husband by my side and babes in my belly. Waiting.

I remember late evening studying at a table in the school library, flipping pages of textbooks and spiral bound notebooks, waiting to graduate so I could marry my best friend. Waiting for our lives to come together as one. Waiting for a career.

I remember sitting on a hospital bed and when the doctor's asked if I was ready. After nine months of waiting for my baby to be born. Waiting for the moment to hear both of their first cries. Waiting for my heart to be full, waiting to be a mother.

I'm not so good with uncertainty. Trusting that a path will be forged and that will be the direction we should go. But it has, it has.

And it will.

I have a husband. I have an education. I have a job. I have two beautiful children. I have so much.

Though, right now, while it feels like it's been forever, I'm standing at a crossroads with an infinite number of avenues ahead. Just waiting for that signal, a sign to move ahead. Waiting.


... And just like that my light turns green and we go.

He just knows

He was restless and wimpering because he didn't want to lay down. It was fast approaching 1:30 as we both rubbed our eyes. I had spent the night before chasing after dreams against my pillow and the morning came to soon (like it always seems to do). He wanted to hug on his airplanes and bang aluminum cars against each other and be a kid, but I wanted him still. I wanted him to slow down.

He slid down the bed on his daddy's side and tried to run off before I called to him. His little body stopped in his tracks and he turned that angel face around to me. He came to my side and then sat in my lap. I rubbed his hair gently and he curled into my shoulder. I rocked him back and forth for a second. My eldest child, my first baby.

I told him how proud I am. I told him how grown up he's gotten, barely a baby... but always my baby.

He breathed a long and satisfied sigh. And his eyes slipped closed. I held him there for a moment longer and then laid him between his daddy and me.

I wrapped my arm around his waist and closed me eyes.

And I breathed my own satisfied sigh.

Linking up with Just Write.