Man, I hope my shrink likes me. Is that weird? Like I'm a little self conscious of what this doctor might think about me, when I'm paying them money to think about me.
What do I wear? I mean, I want to be presentable and put together, but then if I look put together will they think I have it too together and therefore think I'm being trivial? Do I dress to express how I feel? Because I might as well not shower or wear make up and should just wear my pajamas.
I want them to laugh at my jokes, and want to be my best friend. I want them to be mesmerized by my stories and rooting for me, this amazing heroine on this incredible journey. I want them to look forward to my appointments each week because I'm their favorite client.
I want to be the best client that psychiatrist has ever seen!
Turns out maybe I have a problem seeking approval. Who would have guessed?
This season of life has been exceptionally challenging. The other day I apologized to a friend I just met, "I'm sorry you are meeting me now, I am just a little weird at the moment." I am not me, well, not fully atleast. I go through the motions, put on a brave face and cover up the missing parts that have fallen or have been taken, and I want it seem okay. I want to feel like it is okay.
I'm not saying that my past was extra difficult, or even that things in my life are any harder than your own. I know deeply how amazed and grateful I should be that I have been given so much. But I do know that right now I'm not okay to deal with it. My brain just isn't allowing me to be okay.
Up until recently I didn't think it was allowed to not be okay. I can think back over my life at the times that I fell into this cycle and I remember being told by those close to me that I was being dramatic. I had no reason to be sad.
"Nobody is dead, Stefanie," they said.
They thought I was being moody and unappreciative.
"So you are sad, well, stop being sad."
They didn't know what to do with me.
But now, now I have too much to lose to not be okay. I have two tiny people who I am living for. I have a husband who I can't leave because God knows, without me he can't be trusted to dress my kids in the morning in clothes that match. Oh, how I heart him hard.
Now I know that it IS okay to ask for help when you need it. Sometimes we can't get there on our own. Sometimes we need to look back in order to keep moving forward. It doesn't matter if you're the best, the prettiest, and even whether everyone likes you. You're going to fight this saddness like hell. You'll be okay.
I'm going to be okay.
I love this.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have all the strength and support I can muster behind you.
Keep fighting. It's so worth it.
(I'm a personal fan of good black sweatpants with a good quality pullover sweatshirt, preferably from ROOTS. Shows you care, but not *that* much.)
You ARE going to be okay! (I tell myself the same thing daily) Also, Roots hoodies are definitely the way to go...
ReplyDeleteUmm. Yes. I'm always trying to impress my shrinks, too. Even weirder is when I feel the need to make sure my bikini line is nice and smooth for a visit to my GYN. Don't tell my husband.
ReplyDeleteCame here from your comment over on Casey's blog. She's helped me a lot, too. You can do it this time, and the next time, and the time after that. Every time you fall into the hole, you can climb back out. I know this because I am still here. It's a lot of hard work, and those close to you may never really understand. But I do, and so does Casey. We're rooting for you.
I feel this. I'm in the midst of feeling this right now. "But your life is so great--why are you crying!?!" I know my life is great, and I don't know why I'm crying and I don't know why something as simple as emailing a good friend and writing that I'm sad reduces me to tears--I DON'T KNOW. It's not like I like it anymore than they do. It's not like I'm any less confused about it than they are.
ReplyDeleteBut damnit, I AM going to be okay. I AM going to get through this once again. And so are you. We have to.
Also, can someone post the link to Casey's blog?
ReplyDelete@jlolb - mooshinindy.com Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh my heck. I don't know you, but I see your heart every time I look in the mirror. Thank you for writing this. It makes me hate myself a little less to know someone else apologizes to new friends for not being themselves.
ReplyDelete