Rest

During Christmas break we stayed with my parents in Virginia. We had a great time being with family, soaking in the goodness that surrounded us, playing games, visiting friends, seeing sights, and celebrating the season.

It was nice.

One of my resolutions for the new year is to simplify. Simplify my life in many ways, but mostly from the pursuit of things that are outside of my control. Life gets complicated and I've never been good at being GOOD to myself. It's easy to get weary when you are overextended.

I lie awake at night and think about our future. My heart races (sometimes with excitement and sometimes with fear) at what big plans are on our docket. I make plans, detailed lists encrypted on my brain on what our next step can be. Always calculating that next move. I feel myself sink deeper into the bed sheets with heavy responsibility as I drift off to sleep.

We have vowed to keep one weekend a month for family "base" time at home. I took my work email off of my personal cell phone. We are limiting our errands to one weekend a month. We swore to finish all projects FIRST before starting another. We agreed to evaluate our needs closer, not hinging our happiness on the acceptance of others. Most of all, letting go of the stress. That is the plan, at least.

Life got out of balance last year. We were just busy and moving. Always, always, always stirring. In fact I wasn't sure where we fell on the spectrum until recently after the dust all settled. I think we're on the right track, edging closer inch by inch to the middle.

I sat with my daughter today. Really just sat static. I breathed in her baby smell and stroked her soft warm cheek. She's getting so big! I blinked and she's not a newborn anymore. I thought about how busy she is. Inquisitive, engrossed in her fancy, and genuinely enamored with whatever catches her eye. She's always (seems) to be moving. She rarely stays idle, I thought. But she sat with me. She batted at my hair with her tiny fingers and cooed delicately to me and her body melted into my lap. I squeezed her chubby legs and kissed her gently on the neck and I sigh.

And I realize that maybe I am the one that can't stay still.