There is an ache in my gut, right below my left lung directly behind my heart. I feel it there, boring deeper into my abdomen like a painfully silent shot gun shell.
My eyes burn, all the time, burning from damming up tears that are on the cusp of free flowing down the curves of my face.
I lie awake at night heavy sinking into the deeper darker, unable to crawl out. I watch the minutes click by on the clock slowly. I let my mind wonder to the what ifs, what if I wasn't here? How many hours will I sleep tonight? Two? Three, if I'm lucky.
Depression sucks.
Anxiety blows.
I hate it.
But this has become my reality.
Part of my brain is broken. My very smart (and super witty) brain, it has a problem. I've wrestled with this mess for a while. Circumstances in my life and past experiences have torn at my soul. While I have so much to be happy for, so much to want to live for, I am sad. I thought I was just going through a rough patch. That once things got easier, once I could get a break that I'd be okay again. But then I realize that it's a pattern. This wasn't my first time on this roller coaster.
I realized that I needed help.
Well, before I realized that I tried everything, EVERYTHING, to solve it. I tried to pray it away. I tried to shop it away. I tried to starve it away. I tried to drug it away. I tried to sleep it away.... but it lingers.
Someone told me that I just had PMS. That person also told me I wasn't taking the right vitamins. Some people have told me I was being dramatic.
I have a wonderful, absolutely amazing and supportive husband who knew that his bride couldn't do this alone and he was scared and unequipped to help himself. He saw this when I broke down in sobs in the church parking lot, when I'd lay in bed until the skies became dark again. But he helped me make that call.
I started seeing a psychologist. She's a firecracker from New Jersey with a gentle spirit. She's helping me face my own ingrained demons. I'm working to break down the walls of false truths I built myself upon. I'm working through this.
I'm on a medication. My brain needs healing. At least a respite from the torture it's brought upon itself. Hopefully, I can see things clearer and the fog will be lifted. Hopefully, I can feel more than just sadness but genuine, real genuine joy. And I can be honest when someone asks me how I am doing, and say I am good. I am okay.
Stef,
ReplyDeleteI recently stumbled across your blog (I found a link to it in one of your comments on Dooce's page) and your writing has really touched me. I, too, am another twenty-something who struggles with and is fighting depression. I decided to get help via counseling a little over a year ago and I can't begin to tell you how much it has helped. It doesn't happen overnight (I am just recently starting to reap the benefits) and you have to stick with it, even if every bone in your body protests the thought of it ...
There is nothing more frustrating than hearing people without depression tell you to "just get over it." They simply do not understand. It is like a bird trying to tell a fish how to breathe underwater.
I used to believe that I was alone in my struggle and there truly is no feeling more isolating and lonely than that. I have decided that this struggle - our depression and anxiety and all of the demons resultant from that - is a very common battle for women of our generation. Maybe for all women even. I find that comforting. Please know that you are not alone and that you will get better.
I am going to continue to read your blog and cheer for you, as well as all the other folks out there fighting this very real - but underappreciated - disease.
Thank you for sharing.
Best,
Eliza
I love you to pieces! Praying for you and fighting with you against this ugly beast!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty and for putting into words the very way I feel on a daily basis. While not the best reason, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in the way I feel. Praying for strength for both of us.
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