one, two, three, FOUR!

My first born turned FOUR yesterday. The amusement and joy of watching a child grow into their own person is the most amazing and awesome experience of a lifetime. In four short years, this kid has completely captivated my heart and consumes my soul with love.
WOW, four.
Here's the obligatory "mom blogger" info:
Height: 37.5"
Weight: 28lbs.
Likes: Nutella sandwiches, cars, airplanes, "daddy's cars" (a.k.a. Ford Mustangs), playing outside, splashing at the pool and splash parks, fruit snacks, ice cream sandwiches, taking walks in our neighborhood, play hide and seek.
Dislikes: Getting dirty, sitting still, washing his hair.
Favorite food: Nutella sandwiches
Favorite movie: Cars 2
Favorite toy: "daddy's car"
Best buddies: Chris, Grayson, Chase, Leah.

Dear Nolan,

Happy birthday, buddy! Mommy and daddy are so proud of you and love you with our whole heart for your whole life. Your presence in our house is a blessing, and it's an honor to parent you. You light up a room whenever you enter. Everyone talks about how friendly you are, always saying "hi" and smiling. Those big brown eyes welcome strangers and friends wherever you go.
You definitely have your own personality, and are very determined to do things on your terms. (I don't know where you could have possibly gotten that from!) You like what you like and you do what you want without apologizing for it. I love your confidence! I pray that you'll always listen to yourself and do what is right, so obey your mama now. :)
Getting you to do what I need you to do is sometimes a challenge, like sitting down for dinner. I still can't believe a child of mine can refuse to eat! But then again, you did wake up yesterday morning and asked where your presents were. That pretty much erased any doubt I might have had.
You're in preschool now! You can count and spell, and quote memory versus and your little mind amazes me. You love your sister, always giving her hugs, and sometimes I even catch you sharing your toys with her! I hope that friendship never fades you two always remain close.
Mommy and daddy are very excited what this year has in store for us as we get ready for KINDERGARTEN. Oh my, heart!
I love more than words can say.
xoxo,
Mama

Phone Favorites

The Doctor Reverend and Little Missus were here for a few days to fulfill their role as "Papaw and Mamaw." The kids had a blast. We did SO much. No sir, not a single stone unturned during their five day visit. Of course, it's never long enough. So much we have to look forward to next time! That meant getting everyone acclimated back to their schedule mid-week, which wasn't too hard.

I am anxious for the weekend and a chance to be still for a little bit, just at home. (Yay, naked Sunday! Err, well, maybe not, who does that? ::nervous laugh::)

I hope if I get some time I'll be able to finally make the photobook I have attempted to do about a frillion times before my laptop officially bites the dust. We shall see. Happy Friday!

Home

Sitting at a kitchen table with a hot plate of pasta and talking over a television playing an animated movie in the background. Surrounded by laughter and an unspoken gentle familiarness where everything and nothing seems to matter. We pass a bowl of cut strawberries and heaping spoons of cool whip and try to forget that these moments are so limited. In the moment, this is home.

Our little family unit may be a few thousand miles apart but we’re as tight knit as can be. Growing up all we had was family, especially in the church, it always seemed unfairly that it was “us” and then “them.” It was hard to be the subjects of other people’s sin, a point that still leaves bitterness and anger stinging in my gut. We grew in, into each other, into a rather unique pack, if you will.

I always thought that we lived an incredibly dramatic life. But the more I think about it, it’s more like a really, really, really dark comedy. The kind that makes you sort of squirm and a little bit uncomfortable but still makes you feel more braver and stronger than before.

BTW, in my head, Ellen Page plays me.

Our pack is always safe. No fake fronts, no fake smiles, no expectations. And there is love. So, so, so, so much love. I hope my children have those memories. I don’t care if they remember what they did, or what presents they got, I want them to remember how they felt.

So having my family here in my house is absolutely the best thing ever. I am 100 percent whole because I can’t possible feel more at home and at peace than when they are close. Leaving is never easier. In the eight years we’ve lived a part it’s never not hurt me to my very core.

Empty chairs at my table, empty bedrooms, empty house…

Empty heart.

Toy Cabinet

For weeks I have been trolling craigslist looking for an affordable buffet/sideboard/dresser option to put in my living room to stow away loose toys and puzzle pieces. I'm on a pretty limited budget, so when most everything in my area was coming in at around $400+ I started to work on coming to terms that maybe that dream was meant to die. A slow. painful. death.

One day I was trying to kill the last 15 minutes of work clicking through the antiques section and I saw this baby and instantly fell in love AND, it was only $100. I sent a quick reply to the seller gitty with excitment and anxious that it might not be available afterall and that the universe was just pulling a terrible joke on me... again.

But it WAS available. So I made plans with the seller to pick it up on the weekend and this baby was mine!

When I got it home and examined it my heart started to sink when I realized that it wasn't exactly in the best condition. The legs practically crumbled off and several pieces of the wood had chipped off. At first I was angry at myself for getting blinded and not inspecting it further, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

The first thing I had to do was basically rebuild the legs with wood filler and glue. It worked surprisingly well. After that I filled in the chipped and broken pieces with wood filler and sanded her down before painting. It took about two coats of paint that I had left over from my bathroom renovation. Then I used some bronze acrylic paint and filled in the carved accents.

I may eventually distress it a bit, but I kinda love the color. This picture really doesn't do the nice vintage green color justice. I know it's not perfect, but I don't think it's bad for my first try at fixing up furniture, do you?

I know it will get lots of love once we fill those bottom drawers and the three inside the doors with treasures from my 4 year old and 1 year old. I'm very happy with the way it came out and can't wait to take on my next project.



Weekend

Saturday sucked. From the moment we rose from the bed to the evening we just couldn't get it right. I snapped at Brian about the dog and we argued off and on about a series of things that were so unimportant that I've since forgotten what they were. We tried our best to forge through the day, each saying we'd start the day over around noon but we couldn't shake the weird unfamiliar fog between us.

I felt so consumed by bitterness, it ate my stomach and behind my eyes. We just couldn't get it right. I know I apologized a million times and him the same. We went to bed anxious for a new day to begin.

Sunday was different. A do-over. A relief. I kept the kids home with me while Brian went to church since Leah was still recovering from Hand, Foot and Mouth, and we ran errands and visited an old friend and then got ready for a special date night that we had planned weeks before. The sitter came to watch the kids and we ran off in our fancy clothes for dinner at Kirby's.

We got to spend a few hours talking and stuffing our faces with our favorite foods. We talked about the future, about our dreams, and about happiness. It was my favorite everything. We both ordered non-steak dinners at an expensive steak restaurant and we laughed at the irony.

I admired my man in his blue sweater and khaki's for the amazing partner he is, and despite all of the ways that I fail him, he still loves me. He puts up with me, all of me, which is a lot to handle. And he makes me feel beautiful, absolutely beautiful. He tells me so every. single. day.

Yep, he's a keeper.

We left the restaurant with just enough room in our bellies for dessert and stopped by the Cheesecake Factory for a take-out sugar fix. (Chocolate, and it was AH-MAZING.)

Then we got home and sat ourselves in on the couch in our date night clothes after kissing the babies goodnight and watched the last bit of the Olympics while sharing a fork. I love my husband because he always gives me the last bite.

Saturday was good.

But there are no pictures because we kept our phones put away and captured the evening in memories focused on each other. And I remember it just as it was, perfect.

Magic Swimsuit

Do you ever feel like you’re a magnet for embarrassment? No? Just me. Good to know. I feel like there must be a special realm of reality outside of actual reality and the reality of the certifiably insane, where absurdity wrecks havoc and that is where I must exist.

My oldest is taking swim lessons at the rec center which in itself is awesome. Nothing makes me prouder than seeing my children learn new things. It was the coolest thing in the world to watch him grin when his teacher glided him through the water. My heart has never been more proud of him for trying something new, something that even terrifies grown adults.

Yesterday I rushed from my office in my work clothes to pick up the kids from preschool to be ready for swim lessons right at six o’clock. ON. THE. DOT. My fear of being late is amplified ten times whenever I have the kids with me.

I carried my oversized purse, a gym bag, two towels, and my daughter in one arm while I held my son’s hand through the parking lot. We made it in well before 6pm and I sighed a big giant sight of relief.

I changed out of my trousers and button up shirt and stepped out of the high heels I had stupidly worn that day. The only swimsuit I could find that morning was one from college, you know, before kids and when I was about thirty pounds heavier. To my amazement (or maybe sadness?) it fit great. I mean God is pretty unforgiving in the looks department after pregnancy but that could just be me. This suit was a two-piece tankini from the junior’s department at Target. The size on the tag is pretty far down in the alphabet, if you know what I’m saying. But, alas, I couldn’t find other suits anywhere.

Not to brag, but damn, I looked good. Sure the bottoms were granny style and hiked up to my belly button and the top plunged almost to my navel, but daaaaaaaaaaang, it just kinda worked. That bathing suit must be magic. It sucked my fat in the right places and held “things” ahem, perky. Daaaaaaaang.

I admired myself in the mirror for what was probably longer than is socially acceptable before I got redressed when swim lessons were over. By then it was pushing seven o’clock and tummies were getting hungry so I hurried us along as quickly as I could and threw my bags back over my shoulders with my wet towels and what I thought was both pieces of my newly discovered magic swim suit. Being the genius that I am I try to finangle my keys out of my bag while holding said towels, swim suit, and squirmy toddler while walking, because setting things down is for pussies.

We make it almost to the parking lot when I get the sinking feeling that something isn’t right and that knowing panic set in my stomach. I shook the pile of towels and ONE single piece of my swim suit, which of course is not the granny-panty-style-one-size-too-big-almost-a-decade-old-magic swim bottoms. I look around and they aren’t around.

Now I stop for one second, mortified already, and weighed whether it was worth going back to look for them or if I just scrap it. But I’m cheap, and like I said before, daaaaaaaaaang, that swim suit is b-a-n-a-n-a-s and there’s no way in hell I’m going to give up that magic instant hot-body look.

So, I pushed my sun glasses up higher on my face and turned around to collect the magic bottoms wherever they may have landed. First I scour the ground with my eyes looking for a ball of black material somewhere but at first I don’t see them. Then it dawns on me that maybe someone has already picked up my magic whale-size bottoms and the horror sets in.

I glance closer to the door and I see them crumpled by the door…. Three feet from what has to be Zac Efron’s cousin only taller/darker and (if you can believe it) better looking. AND HE’S BENDING DOWN TO PICK UP MY SWIM BOTTOMS THAT ARE AS WIDE AS THE MOON…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But it was too late. He sort of scooped them with his pointer finger and I swear, he did that lip curl disgust look like he had just thrown up a little bit in his mouth.

And then I really did throw up in my mouth.

I politely smiled and snatched them out of his hand and said, “thank you.” I didn’t look back.

I hope Zac Efron trips on a treadmill.

Saying goodbye

Change is inevitable. The world keeps turning, time keeps ticking, and life, general, well it goes on.

We all face life choices, those crossroad opportunities that we know deep down mean that one path must end so that the journey can continue. Sometimes we stand before those two paths for a long time, letting our minds wonder into the what if’s, envisioning ourselves in a reality that might or might not exist.

I stared down that fork in the road for months of wondering, praying, and sitting idle until the uncertainty settled and the moment felt right to shift my weight forward.

It wasn’t an easy decision. Life was comfortable. But I think I knew it was right when things at work and at home were tied up neatly like stacks of Christmas packages complete with red ribbon bows.  No more projects lingering, deadlines looming, and overflowing inboxes.

I will be leaving the University of North Texas effective May 18.

The incredible support system I had in place through my work at UNT and at ACUI helped me grow. I feel like I owe so much of who I am today to the experiences I gained through ACUI. My passion for touching lives was ignited at conferences, my want to be a part of something bigger than myself expanded at IPDS, and my drive for excellence was inspired by each and every one of you.

I see so much potential in my colleagues that it brings me great sadness to know that I won’t get to watch them develop further in their careers. I will miss them truly and deeply. I will miss hearing their voices on conference calls and late nights working with the regional leadership team and the conference planning teams. I will miss bear hugs and belly laughs over brews catching up with old friends in a new city.

I will miss my ACUI family. “How lucky I am to know someone who is so hard to say goodbye to.”- Annie, the movie.