Rest

During Christmas break we stayed with my parents in Virginia. We had a great time being with family, soaking in the goodness that surrounded us, playing games, visiting friends, seeing sights, and celebrating the season.

It was nice.

One of my resolutions for the new year is to simplify. Simplify my life in many ways, but mostly from the pursuit of things that are outside of my control. Life gets complicated and I've never been good at being GOOD to myself. It's easy to get weary when you are overextended.

I lie awake at night and think about our future. My heart races (sometimes with excitement and sometimes with fear) at what big plans are on our docket. I make plans, detailed lists encrypted on my brain on what our next step can be. Always calculating that next move. I feel myself sink deeper into the bed sheets with heavy responsibility as I drift off to sleep.

We have vowed to keep one weekend a month for family "base" time at home. I took my work email off of my personal cell phone. We are limiting our errands to one weekend a month. We swore to finish all projects FIRST before starting another. We agreed to evaluate our needs closer, not hinging our happiness on the acceptance of others. Most of all, letting go of the stress. That is the plan, at least.

Life got out of balance last year. We were just busy and moving. Always, always, always stirring. In fact I wasn't sure where we fell on the spectrum until recently after the dust all settled. I think we're on the right track, edging closer inch by inch to the middle.

I sat with my daughter today. Really just sat static. I breathed in her baby smell and stroked her soft warm cheek. She's getting so big! I blinked and she's not a newborn anymore. I thought about how busy she is. Inquisitive, engrossed in her fancy, and genuinely enamored with whatever catches her eye. She's always (seems) to be moving. She rarely stays idle, I thought. But she sat with me. She batted at my hair with her tiny fingers and cooed delicately to me and her body melted into my lap. I squeezed her chubby legs and kissed her gently on the neck and I sigh.

And I realize that maybe I am the one that can't stay still.

"Ain't No Poop In Your Tushhhhh-y"

Photo Credit
Potty training stinks. Literally sometimes.

There is that saying that no one ever goes to college in diapers, which may be true, but the cost of therapy for both you and your child after potty training could very well pay for a year or two of tuition. Geez.

My son is edging closer to 3 1/2 and up until a few weeks ago was still sporting pull ups and had zero interest in, umm,
dumpingdepositing his waste in the porceline pot.

We tried everything from buying him his own miniature plastic thrown, complete with sound effects and bright blue accents, to bribing him with new toys and ice cream. He currently uses the potty as a step stool to reach the sink. Nothing worked.

He peed in the potty like a champ. (Boy's got some good aim) For that I am thankful. He even cleans up after himself. So, yay, no stepping in warm pee for me! In parenting it's often the little things. SIGH. For a while we would have him wear real underwear around the house. Can I just say how adorable tiny skivvys are? OMG. I die. He's mostly good about telling us he needed to go potty, and we've had very few wet accidents.

But THE POOP. Ohmygosh the poop. Without fail he'd ask to go poppy and five minutes later he'd drop a duece in his drawers. Ugh. Thanks, kid. We'd sit on the potty for 20 minute stretches of time while trying desperately to keep him happy and distracted enough to go. But nope, never, not even a little fart. (giggle, sorry, I am, apparently, an eleven year old boy)

Several of his buddies were passing him with this milestone. Other parents assured us that while their kid was maturing at a scholarly pace, that our boy would catch up soon, on his own time. I have to admit how much it made me feel like a failure that my son wasn't potty trained yet. I don't consider myself to be a lazy person or a bad parent, but your self confidence sure can take a hit when the toddlers on Teen Mom are going on their own and your kid isn't. I have a fancy degree and I was on the mothereffing deans list in college but I felt like I let my kid down.

I love my son SO MUCH, and believe in him with every part of my being. I tell him everysingleday that I love him and that I'm proud of him. I am his biggest cheerleader and his first best friend, and I don't ever want him to feel like he's not good enough at something. I want more than anything to protect his heart from hurting and I pray that I am not the cause of his first pain. I ask the Lord every night to help me parent my children and help me guide them in all the right ways.

If there was a picture in the dictionary of an apple and of a tree, then you would see my son and me. He's inherited so many of my own characteristics that it's frightening and awesome at the same time. He's got one dimple when he smiles and he's empathetic and kind, but he's strongwilled and won't move an inch unless it's own his own terms. Last night I gave the kids a bath and Nolan played a little longer after I put Leah to bed. He played in the bubbles and pushed his boats in the ripples of the water and then suddenly it happened!!!!

He looked up at me and said that he needed to go poop! I quickly fastened the potty seat on the toilet and sat his dripping behind down. And then fireworks went off! Okay, not really, but metaphorial fireworks went off because my kid POOPED in the potty. BY HIMSELF. He did it!!!! Of course, when *HE* wanted to go.

We squeeled with excitement and sand an impromptu song, one of my best (I think), it went a little something like this, "Ain't no poop in your tuuuush-y... No, no, no, no thare aiiin't nooo poop in your tuush, Your tush ain't got no poop, your tush ain't got no poop, no, no, no." Funny how that seemed like the most appropriate thing to do at the time. We danced too, A LOT.
Naked.After we promptly got cleaned up, and appropriately dressed. Ahem.

I'm so happy for my little guy. His face lit up when he saw what he had done. While, no, I don't think *this* memory will be one he shares with his future dates, I do hope that he'll remember how proud he felt accomplishing this. I hope he'll remember me cheering him on. I'm sure there will be lots more
craphard stuffchallenges that we'll face in the future, but I hope that no matter what he'll always know that I love him.

Fighting the Good Fight

I shared a little bit here about how dramatic our car buying experience was. What I haven't told you is how SOUL CRUSHING it has been owning that Murano we purchased 5 months ago.

If I had to guess how many days I've actually driven the car versus it's been in shop it's probably somewhere around 30 to 40. During these weeks spans of time that it's been sitting at Texas Nissan and not in my driveway we've only been given a rental car once. This last time marks the fourth major instance that we've had to bring the car in for some kind of repair. FOUR... in FIVE months of owning it. That's four times I've screamed out a stream of explicatives because the check engine light had come on.

Twice the cars catalytic converters had gone bad and needed to be repaired but were (thankfully) covered under warranty. Trying to schedule in a time to take your car in to be seen is as nervewracking as it is when you're taking a child in to see a doctor. Not to brag or toot my own horn, but we're really busy people. Two fulltime jobs, two kids, community service work, social responsibilities, and the general hub-bub of the holidays don't make it easy to slip in and out with the car keys. It requires major rearranging of pick ups and meetings and a very messy desk calendar. I don't think businesses appreciate enough how much work is required of customers to patronize their establishment. Again though, no rental car so we made due with both of our commutes and two car seats as best we could.

SURELY. SURELY. Nothing else could go wrong with the Murano, right? I mean it IS a 2009 from a reputable dealership. Nissans are supposed to be good cars.

The following week (Dec. 3) we took the car to Walmart for an oil change. We had entrusted them many, many, many times because they are quick, efficient, and professionals. It's really nice to be able to bring your car in for that service while you grab diapers and wine I mean, groceries. A few days after this service was done the check engine light comes back on the Murano AGAIN. I'm not going to lie, I think I might have wept right into the steering wheel when that happened. I called Texas Nissan again and spoke with Eli to schedule a time to come in which was just a day or two later. I picked up the kids early from daycare that day and brought the car by to read the codes which indicated that it was something related to the oil chamber. Which they looked at and advised that the oil in the Murano was overfilled and would need to be drained. Eli told us to take the Murano BACK to Walmart ourselves and have them drain off the oil and have the light reset. So my husband took it in the next day and had oil drained at Walmart.

But that dang light wouldn't stay off. The next day it came back again. So I took it back over to Texas Nissan again after cutting my workday short AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. ( You see how annoying this is getting?)

This time we leave the car and are given a rental, a small Sentra, but I'm not complaining because atleast my Murano is getting fixed (I think, at least at the time). Days are passing and each time I follow up with Eli at Texas Nissan he says that they are still working on the car. Six days pass before it's the 23rd of December and I receive a call from Eli that the part needed is not covered and that we will need to pay over $1,000 for repairs. I am absolutely livid to the point that I have to pull over from driving to stay in control. Our family was leaving for vacation that day and this is dumped in my lap to deal with six hours before we are supposed to leave. Oh, and we can't get our car back from the dealership because the damage done has made it unsafe to drive.

After a brief encounter with Jessie, the service manager at Texas Nissan, he received the documentation and sees that the fault for the repairs actually fell on Walmart and their responsibility to cover the damages. We, however, are given the greenlight to go on our vacation while this is sorted out between the dealership and Walmart. We provided both parties with the information they needed and stayed in contact during our trip to ensure that the communication lines were open.

Everytime it seemed like things were going well they ended up getting worse. Today (Jan. 5th) Walmart's claims department has now said that they will not cover the repairs because there is insufficient proof that the damage was done by Walmart's auto department. The store that the repairs were done in were not equipped to record the work being done, so the burden to prove that they caused the damage falls on us who were not allowed to be in the bay at the time the work was done. Fun, huh? At this point it looks pretty bleak and we'll have to come up with the money to pay for the damages done by Walmart on a car that has had repeated problems that I've owned for a mere five months.

I'm mad at Walmart for causing the damage, but with the burden of proof on the customer there isn't much more we can do pursuing them. I'm angry that Texas Nissan is in the business of selling faulty cars. There's no reason that they should be putting families in vehicles that are unsafe or damaged. You don't make a major purchase like a car and expect to have it break so often in such a short period. It seems like they've built a business by hustling people and haven't put their value on cultivating good relationships with their customers. I'm sad, too, that this hasn't been a good experience. I LOVE my Murano... when it's not broken. I hate that we're tied to this establishment that has such poor service and defective goods.

I'm exhausted from being worried about this and dealing with the stress. My stomach has been in a habitual knot since we started having problems with the Murano. Each month we're paying for a vehicle that we can't trust will be drivable. I feel like at this point our best option might be to just drive it into traffic and start over! Okay, not really... mostly, not really.

Right now all I have is a broken heart, crushed spirit, and a wallet that's about to be empty.

Leah 2011 Christmas Letter

Dear Leah,

You are my precious baby girl. Intrinsically, so female with a love for sparkle and shiny baubles, so perfectly fitting for my bright star.

A whole year later and I’m still often caught in disbelief that *I* have a daughter, me, and I get to be your mommy. The novelty of having a mini version of myself has not worn off. No, it would be a lie to say that I don’t look forward to dressing you every day. A wardrobe that would rival any fashion forward woman and you can’t even yet walk! We rarely go anywhere without getting a thousand compliments on your outfits or sweet smile.

You are my beloved baby and tiny sidekick. A true “mama’s girl,” it is a rare moment when you are not connected to me. It makes my heart happy (a little bit, okay, maybe a lot) when you choose me over daddy to snuggle.

This year you got to experience many of your “firsts,” including first roadtrip, airplane ride, pedicure, photoshoot, and all of the normal baby milestones. I look back over the photos over the previous year and the many adventures you’ve accompanied us on and I cannot imagine this life without you.

By far my biggest joy has been watching the relationship between you and your brother. You idolize him and love him in so many ways, and he loves you. I melt into a giant messy puddle when I see the two of you playing together. I am giddy with excitement at the prospect of how your stories may be woven in the future. I pray for him and you to always be close and to help each other navigate this life on earth.

One of our favorite family things we like to do is dance, doesn’t matter where we are or what music is playing. Your body explodes into bouncing giggles at the sound of music. Your daddy and I swoop you into our arms and groove around the house and you just laugh and laugh and laugh. It’s infectious. I want to bottle up your joy and carry it with me always.

Determination is one of your strongest qualities. You have an amazing amount of tenacity to accomplish what it is you set your mind to. Driven by a desire for cake (be still my heart), you took your first steps. (Girl has got her priorities straight!) Just the other day I caught you trying to climb into the rocking chair by yourself, a giant feat for someone under two feet tall.

Mama loves to rock you to sleep at night. We sing three songs, usually He’s Got the Whole World, Jesus Loves Me, and You are My Sunshine. Then we say our prayers where I ask God to protect you always and to guide you in your life and in your walk with Jesus, that He’ll bless you in so many ways, that you’ll know that whenever your world is shaking that you’ll never leave His hands, and to help me to mother you as best I can. You still suck your tiny thumb to sooth yourself into a slumber. It’s delightful beyond words.

I always knew in my heart gut that I would have a baby girl. I prayed for you before you were born and now I shout prayers of Thanksgiving for you. My world was wonderful when it was just your daddy and brother, but it’s like an entire other world was opened up and my total being was fulfilled because you came into my life. I have said that your brother is my heart, but you, darling, are my soul.

Your daddy and I love you very much.

I love you with my whole heart.

Mama

Nolan: 2011 Christmas Letter

Dear Nolan,

What an amazing year this has been for you. To watch your three year old spirit burst with excitement in whatever you do has to be the biggest joy in my life as a parent. I am intoxicated by the pure happiness in your soul. My greatest hope is that you never lose that zeal for your passions in life.

Not a day goes by that you don’t make me smile. You have a great ability to be empathetic to others, sensing when they are sad or hurt. Often I see you bring hugs to others. You share your toys or do something silly, just to cause someone to laugh. You go out of your way to deliver happiness.

I remember being very sick and upset one day at home. I was stressed and anxious from a hard day and fatigued from anguish. I remember crying out in a mess of hot stuffy tears and you ran to me, wrapping your tiny arms and squeezing my legs in the biggest bear hug that a 23 pound child could muster. You leaned in close on my chest and laid your head on shoulder, melting those problems away.

Another time when we were visiting your papaw and mamaw in Virginia papaw was very sick with Lyme disease. Sulking into the chair in the living room you crawled up in his lap and laid there with him, willing him as best you could to feel better.

You look for opportunities to engage with other people. Needless to say, you are VERY friendly. You see past appearances to greet those eyes around you. It’s as if you don’t see color, age, or status, but just the person in front of you. From beggars to celebrities, all people are equal to you. I know many grown adults could learn from you, sometimes even me.

Your favorite person in the whole world is your papaw, my father. Nothing makes you happier than to talk to him on the phone or over Skype. The two of you are best buddies, playing games, wrestling, going fishing, roasting hot dogs, making smores, you just love your papaw. It warms my heart to see that relationship grow. You guys get to do all of the fun stuff that I did with him when I was a kid. How cool is that?! My favorite picture that I have is of the two of you, walking hand in hand along the road. Papaw loves you very much, Nolan.

During the summer months you and I had a special ritual every evening, our nightly walks. Sometimes we would just take a short walk around the block, enjoying the warm night air, pointing out cars, looking at the stars, making up silly songs, and racing. Sometimes looking forward to those walks at night would be the only thing getting me through a tough day at work. Sometimes it’s hard for mama to have to work. I am thankful that we still get time in the evening to hang out and spend time together.

In August you turned three. While your strong willed spirit is prone to challenge authority occasionally, it’s been a joy to see how you have matured and your sweet disposition shine. I’m not going to sugar coat and say that it always been easy to parent you, but it’s a part of our story that I wouldn’t trade for anything. The terrible twos may have lived up to their name, but three, three is awesome.

Nolan, I look forward to this next year in 2012 and what it has in store for us. Our family would not be where we are today without you in it, and we have so much to look forward to because of you. It is with great hope that I am thrilled about seeing you develop into a young man over this next year. You have an amazing zeal for worship and prayer. Your daddy and I are gearing up to guide you in your relationship with Jesus Christ. I hope you that you never give up on that.

It’s my prayer for you that you’ll remain independent and strong in your way. I hope you always pursue what makes you happy, listening to your heart and staying true to who you are. You are capable of so much, and with your unstoppable character and tremendous charisma, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can stand in your way. Know that your daddy and I will always be behind you cheering for you.

You’ve made my world so much brighter, wider, better. I am who I am because I am your mother. YOU made me a mother. You and your sister are my whole heart.

I love you.

Momma

her birth

***Leah Alexandra Ritz was born at 2:47pm on December 15, 2010. Weighing 6lb. 7oz. and was 18.5 inches long***

She came into this world with the most beautiful and petite cry that I have ever heard. After an agonizing wait for her to emerge in the doctor's arms I felt her gentle spirit well up inside of me at the sound of her voice. I had waited so long for her that the transition into becoming her mommy felt so easy and real and natural.

I always saw myself as a mom to a daughter. I had a deep wrought desire in my soul to raise a girl. I have always said that my son Nolan is my heart, but my soul was held for a baby girl. My life could not be more perfect otherwise, I have a wonderful husband and an AH-MAZING son but we knew that our family just wasn't complete just yet. We felt the stir of a desire for a second child soon after Nolan turned one. The timing felt right and our hearts were open to parenting another precious babe. I learned that I was pregnant four days after my 27th birthday. We shared so much joy and excitement and LOVE, overabundance of absolute LOVE for this child that I carried in my belly.

At the anatomy scan Brian and I watched our baby flip and dance on the monitor showing off every angle for the camera (which if you know Leah, you know that she's a natural). I just knew as I gazed at that child that I was carrying a girl, our girl child, but I kept it to myself until my family joined us for the big reveal. I held my breath as the ultrasound technician adjusted and prepared to announce the gender... A GIRL. I audibly gasped and tears gathered in my eyes, I couldn't look away from her though. I watched her as long as the technician took measurements.

I had an emergency c-section with our son, and for planning and safety concerns we opted to schedule a second c-section for Leah. The day, December 15th grew closer as the days got shorter and the weather grew colder. Christmas and the excitement of the holidays filled the air, it was the perfect season to have a baby. My parents arrived in from a blustery snow storm in Virginia the day before to help watch Nolan while we recovered in the hospital.

The night before her birth we visited the Italian Inn and enjoyed generous plates of pasta and slow dances. One of the endearing things about the Italian Inn is all of the signatures and love notes written on the walls and surfaces of the restaurant. We left a little note of our own to mark this occasion. With our bellies full we went home to rest and pack up the car for our four day stay. I don't remember sleeping that night, hardly able to keep my excitement to myself. We woke up early the next morning and hung out at the house since we didn't need to be at the hospital until around noon. I tried to pass the time by watching cartoons with Nolan, coloring in pages, and checking my list one last time. We went for a walk outside, one of my favorite memories as a family of three (plus mamaw and papaw). Then the time came for us to leave.

I stopped at Target on my way to the hospital and bought a copy of Despicable Me for Nolan to watch with my parents while we were gone. I remember hobbling down the aisle anxious to tell everyone around me that I was going to have a baby today! I'm quite sure that wasn't the Christmas surprise that they were hoping for. I hope they didn't mind... oops!

We arrived at the hospital with bags in hand and headed to check in. The nurse led us back to our room and I sent my folks off with Nolan to grab lunch before it was surgery time. I got hooked up to monitors and of course we waited... and waited... and waited... and got bumped for an emergency, again, and then again. Finally, my doctor arrived before I got wheeled to the back. I hugged my son one more time and nuzzled my head into his mop of hair never wanting to forget him like he was right then. My first baby. My whole heart.

The ride in the hospital bed always seems so lonely. I know that seems silly, but a part of me wanted to go back and be with my loves for a little while longer. Torn between my present and the inevitable change of the future as a mom of two little ones. I pushed back that saddness when I was back in the room with the hospital staff and the last few t's were crossed.

Finally, Brian joined me again by head. He stroked my head and held my hand. We felt like pros this time, everything much more relaxed than the first. We joked about the sounds of the equipment, and how strange things felt from behind the curtain. And then that moment came and there she was!

The nurse brought her around from the curtain to the warming table. She looked so tiny and angelic. Crying turned to tiny whimpers and then she was calm. A few moments later she was in Brian's arms and near my face. I kissed her tiny head and stroked her cheek. It was so soft and so warm and then I saw the most beautiful pools of blue eyes that I've ever seen. She blinked twice at me and then closed them again, as if she saved those moments just for me. Like she waited too for her mama to arrive.

Before long Brian was able to wheel her back to the room to be joined with our families again while I got closed up. He got to help bath her in the room and Nolan got to see his "Lee Lee" for the first time. He's an awesome big brother and I believe that it's the most wonderful thing in parenthood to watch your children grow up together.

I waited a full year for both of my kids to post their birth stories because I feel like every day for the first year of their life is a celebration of their birth. And as they grow older that celebration doesn't go away, but evolves in a celebration of our journeys. I look forward with JOY and HOPE for my children in their lives. My heart and my soul are full and I am better because they are in my life. It's an honor to be their mother.

3:00:30

I did it. I participated in what quite possibly may have been the most grueling and laborious experience in the worst possible weather of my entire life. The marathon took place early on Sunday, and even though there were a million reasons that I should not have competed I went along and did it anyway.

In the days leading up to Sunday I talked myself out of running on Sunday at least a dozen times. I didn't believe that I could finish the 13.1 mile run, no way! I had never run that far or for that long in my entire life. The race had to be completed in four hours which seemed impossible to me. I didn't think my pace was fast enough nor that my terrible body could hold out that long. But I showed up anyway.

I looked around at the other people there on Sunday and I didn't look like them, I didn't have all of the fancy running gadgets and tools, my shoes were my same old Reeboks I've had for the last four or five years. My leggings were bought in the dollar bin at Forever 21 and my t-shirt wasn't doing much good shielding me from the down pouring rain and 40 degree weather. I felt so stupid for being there and embarrassed for not being prepared.

More than 25,000 people were expected to be at the race that morning and as eight o'clock rolled closer the crowds moved to the start line. My estimated time when I registered was three hours and 45 minutes, which put me in the last corral of the day -- all the way in the back. I walked past thousands and thousands of people making my way to the end to wait... and wait, and wait. The national anthem was sung and the announcer let the first groups go and the crowds moved forward step by step. Our bodies were huddled together pretty close. I turned on my iPhone and got the music going and glances around, guessing where each person would stand in the rankings. It took 34 full minutes for our corral to reach the start and we were off. I found another racer, a tall girl with a bright blue top and long black hair to be my pacer for the first half mile or so but soon she fell back and I found anther.

There were groups of people cheering along the way, some giving high fives, some with signs, residents sitting on their lawns that really helped to push us along. The route was a great tour of downtown Dallas. One of my favorite parts of the race was just being able to see parts of the city that I'd never been to before. We ran through Highland Park and the mansion-lined streets, we ran through the Belmont Addition past the Granada theater, under the Highway 75 bridge, through Turtle Creek and uptown Dallas, past McKinney Avenue and the boutique hotels along the way. The rain drops got fatter and faster along the way. At a certain point running became more about survival than about racing. My shoes were pools of water, my skin was being pierced by the cold water through all three shirts I was wearing.

I didn't feel much pain until about mile 11 when I got terrible muscle cramps in both of knees, the cold weather seized up and down the muscles in my legs and back. Anytime I slowed down pain would shoot from my lower back down both legs until I picked up my pace again. At some point someone yelled that were just one mile away from the finish line. I could see the crowds getting thicker in the distance and I found the endurance to push harder and faster to get through the last grueling hills and puddles along the way. I turned the last corner where the crowd was at least 5 people deep on both sides and I started to search for my husband's face but I didn't see him, the last 1/4 mile was awesome, people cheered loudly and I looked up to see the clock, and something in me clicked and I sprinted as fast I could because I was almost done and I was elated to be finished and be done. I couldn't believe that I had done it. I had finished the 13.1 miles even though I didn't think I could do it. And guys, I've never felt better in my entire life. I was floating on air from the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I wanted to yell, "F$&% yeah, I DID THAT." But I didn't. It was awesome and amazing and the most incredible feeling in the world. If only I could bottle up that and save it for a rainy day, man. So cool.

I scurried through the crowd at the finish line and rounded the corner to the finishers complex when I saw Brian's face waiting at the end of the fence. His face lit up when he saw me and realized that it was me that was galloping towards him. I wanted him to be proud of me. I nearly collapsed into the fence in front of him as I gave into my body's exhaustion. By then my body started to realize the cold and the pain started to set in. I grabbed my medal and shirt and then met up with Brian, anxious to get my dry clothes on. I found him among all of the other families waiting for me and he helped me hobble to a closed off corner where I changed my clothes. I ached and needed his help to peel off the icy wet layers. We didn't stay to celebrate. I'm pretty sure my body was going into shock because I couldn't stop trembling, each step hurt SO BAD. I grunted through the mile walk to the car, my hands went numb, I just wanted to curl up and die in the parking lot of Fair Park but that didn't seem like an option.

One of the things I looked forward to the most after the race was giving into the biggest junk food binge possible. I didn't want waste all of those calories that I burned! Seriously, I salivated thinking about shoveling all that food in my mouth, NOM. I wanted to eat the face off a hamburger and devour a plate of greasy onion rings. But my stomach felt ill trembling from the cold and shock. The hot and cold flashes continued through the drive home. We got home and I couldn't wait to hug my babies, but mostly I couldn't wait to jump into the bathtub. A hot bath has never felt so good, EVER. I rolled around in the tub for a good hour, letting every inch of my skin soak and relax. I got into my pajamas and laid on the couch for the next few hours cruising pinterest and facebook. My friend Tracy also ran the race and she's the one who told me the times had been posted. I couldn't believe it when I saw my official time, 3:00:30. Almost 45 minutes faster than I ever imagined I could possible do.

It wasn't just about finishing fast though. This was about doing something that I didn't think I could do. My whole life I've had people tell me that I couldn't do something, people tearing me down. An older teacher in my high school said I would never be successful. I laugh at her stupidity now, because my life could not be more perfect than it is. A boy in my seventh grade wrote that I was fat in my seventh grade yearbook. My looks and opinion of myself aren't related to what other people define me as. I see his face on facebook and I still want to punch that little jerk, though. I interviewed for a job at a company that I interned at. I really wanted this job and it all seemed to line up just perfect and then the person who interviewed me said that I wasn't impressive enough. When I put my mind to something I will do it.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

If my children learn one thing from me, it's that their mom is a badass.

And if anything else it's that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. That we are capable of much more than we think. I want them to know that I believe in them and in the power they have to be anything they set their minds to be.

Post race, look horrible but feel awesome